Therapy for Shinigami
by Kaeru Soyokaze
Summary: Soul Society has a therapist! Witness the pain and horror of all of the unfortunate Shinigami who end up in her office. It starts with Hitsugaya...the newest victim is KUROSAKI ICHIGO. [series of therapy related oneshots]
1. Hitsugaya Toushirou

Well, as scary as this is, this is my first ever Bleach fanfiction. Yes, be amazed…or scared. Whatever you feel like. Anyway, this was an INCREDIBLY random plot bunny that suddenly hopped up and said, "Hey, you! Write me now!" So I obeyed and…well, this is the result. If it's bad, feel free to have plot bunny soup with me tonight. There's plenty for all. And yes, this is a Hitsugaya/Hinamori pairing. The setting? We'll just say that it's set some time after Hinamori wakes up (here's hoping). 

Disclaimer: The only one that I own is Little Miss Therapist, Soujuku Chiyuu. If I owned Bleach, Gin would actually OPEN HIS EYES.

* * *

There were certain things that Hitsugaya Toushirou preferred not to _ever _perform in his life. Among that list were getting fashion advice from Byakuya (the man wore CURLERS in his hair, for crying out loud), babysitting Yachiru (he'd witnessed what she'd done to Ikkaku's head when she was hungry), and worshipping Aizen (which was something he'd never do in the first place). And then there was this...

"Yumi-chan, gimme back the mirror! I'm doing this for your own good, you know!"

"No! What if one of my eyebrows gets ruffled the wrong way? What if that ugly ryoka throws another firework at me? HOW CAN I ADMIRE MY BEAUTY WITHOUT IT?"

"That's the point, you narcissistic idiot! Now hand over the mirror!"

"If you were ugly, I'd hurt you in so many painful ways!"

An exasperated sigh. "Lucky me. Oh, _look_! A beautiful person!"

"WHERE?"

"HA! The mirror's mine!"

"Give it BACK!" **CRASHTHUDBANGBAMBAMTHUNK.**

Ah, yes. Hitsugaya heard the screaming ringing out from behind the sliding door and inwardly quailed. He didn't want to go in there. There was nothing wrong with him. Why did he even NEED to see a therapist, anyway? Because Unohana had recommended it, and his own Vice-Captain had wholeheartedly agreed? Bah!

Steeling himself, the white-haired Captain slid the door open--and was greeted by a very unusual sight.

Ayasegawa Yumichika, 5th seat of the 11th Division, was grappling with a short female shinigami...over a small hand mirror.

Shocked and completely bemused, Hitsugaya blurted out the one question that had been haunting him ever since he'd first caught the sounds of their ridiculous argument.

"What the hell is going on here?"

Almost guiltily, the two of them looked up and simultaneously released each other.

"Gimme a second," the girl said, tugging impatiently on her rumpled robes. She wasn't that remarkable to look at...just your average brown-eyed therapist with her long black hair pulled into a high ponytail and secured with a large, floppy red ribbon. A pair of black-rimmed glasses perched jauntily on her head and not on the bridge of her nose, where they ought to have been. She certainly wasn't as busty as Matsumoto or as cute as Hinamori--wait. Hitsugaya dismissed that thought as suddenly as it had arrived. There was no reason to think like that at ALL.

Yumichika (minus one hand-mirror and most of his pride) hurriedly excused himself and fled and the other finally finished her minor clothing adjustments, sweeping a strand of hair behind one ear with a careless hand.

"Don't mind him. He was sent here because he's too full of himself and I forbade him from looking at himself in any mirrors for a week. He didn't like that." She chuckled and stepped aside, allowing him to enter. "I was wondering when you'd get here, Hitsu-chan."

He growled at the nickname as he walked into the small room and closed the door behind him. Why was it that no one ever took him seriously? "I'm a captain, you know. Show some respect."

"Ah, right." She coughed into her hand. "My humblest apologies, _Captain _Hitsu-chan." Before he could open his mouth for a fitting retort, she hurriedly continued. "I'm Soujuku Chiyuu, 6th seat of the 4th Division and therapist to all in Soul Society. Or...the Gotei 13, anyway. Please, have a seat."

Hitsugaya stiffly sat down in one of the chairs facing a cluttered desk and watched as Chiyuu scurried about what seemed to be her office, stacking strewn pieces of paper and rummaging through drawers for a file. Having found what she was looking for, she triumphantly drew it out and flipped it open, scanning over its contents quickly.

"Hitsugaya Toushirou, Captain of the 10th Division. Demonstrated violent and reckless behavior towards Kira Izuru and other members of various squads and Divisions. Prone to twitching upon hearing mentions of Aizen Sousuke and Ichimaru Gin." The therapist sat back in her own chair and regarded him with a solemn gaze. "I'd heard talk about this, actually. The 4th Division has been quite busy tending to everyone that you've sent to the infirmary."

Hitsugaya remained silent and returned her gaze with a chilly glare. He didn't have to say anything if he didn't feel like it...and right now, he _really_ didn't feel like it at all.

Undeterred, Chiyuu went on blithely. "Actually, the funny thing is that each and every one of those poor men told me that you'd declared that you would kill them for hurting Hinamori Momo."

The boy froze, but willed his eyes not to widen and his breathing not to quicken. Surely she wouldn't just jump to conclusions and--

"Hm. It seems to me like Hina-chan is pretty important to you, right, Hitsu-chan?"

_Shit._

"In fact, she's _so _important that you're expressing your feelings for her in the only way that you know how to. However, beating Izuru-kun to a pulp_ isn't_ really the proper way to court a lady."

Hitsugaya flinched. "Who said I was courting Hinamori? She's been through enough crap and that bastard hurt her even more!"

Chiyuu rolled her eyes, tilting her head back. "He gave her an apology letter and she got a paper cut. That's hardly a reason to jump him and beat him senseless."

He had to pause and think carefully before refuting her logic. "...He was the one who stalled me...long enough for Hinamori to get stabbed! How do we know that he's not still devoted to Gin--"

The therapist let him go no further. "Izuru-kun cares for Hina-chan and he was tricked into believing that no harm would befall her. That's done with. What we're dealing with now is your habit of promising death to anyone who so much as glares at Hina-chan. But we'll work on that tomorrow." She flicked a hand at him and yawned widely, stretching her arms above her head and dislodging her glasses in the process. "I'm going to take a nap."

Hitsugaya left the office, vowing NEVER to return again.

**--Day Two--**

"Welcome back, Hitsu-chan!" Chiyuu greeted him brightly as she waved good-bye to Hanatarou (who bore several brightly-colored stickers, all of which proclaimed "I am someone special and important"). "Today, we're going to go through some scenarios, okay?"

Hitsugaya made a mental note to learn how to run faster than Matsumoto as he grudgingly took his seat. If she couldn't catch him than she couldn't drag him back to this hellhole.

"Okay! So, let's say that Gin pushes Hina-chan down the stairs. What would you do?"

That was easy. "I'd kill him."

"Uh...Hitsu-chan...try to keep the word 'kill' out of your vocabulary, okay? Suppose Gin jokingly said he'd hurt Hina-chan?"

This time, Hitsugaya's hesitation was only marginal. "I'd castrate him, maim him, and cause him excruciating pain before he...perished."

"...Well, it's a start."

**--Day 3--**

Mental note to self. Learn how to evade Matsumoto and that drunken bastard Kyouraku... How was he supposed to know that Shunsui came to see the therapist too? Life was not fair. Not fair at all.

"All right," Chiyuu began. "Izuru-kun flirts with Hina-chan. What do you do?"

Hitsugaya sighed. "Nothing."

"Because...?" She prompted.

"Because it's not my business to interfere with her love life," he mumbled under his breath, looking as if he had just swallowed the world's largest lemon.

"And suppose a messenger hands her a notice and she gets a paper cut?"

The sigh was repeated and the answer dully recited. "I don't beat him down because it's not his fault that the paper cut her finger."

"Good!" Chiyuu said approvingly. "And what if Gin--"

"I'd kill him."

"_HITSU-CHAN_."

"WHAT? And don't call me that."

Sigh. "Let's go over those relaxing breathing exercises..."

**--Day 4--**

"Nanao-san, Shun-kun only calls you Nanao-chan because he cares for you. It's a term of endearment and he _swears_ he's not doing it to make you angry. Now I'll see you next week." Chiyuu cheerily ushered the Vice-Captain of the 8th Division out of her office and readied herself for her next patient.

"I'm here," Hitsugaya announced unenthusiastically as he stepped inside.

"Yes, you are," she agreed calmly, and she handed him a couple of plushies that (creepily enough) resembled Hinamori, himself, Kira, Gin, and Aizen. "Your exercise for today is to play out a scene in which you protect Hina-chan without killing Gin or Aizen."

This woman was impossible. But Hitsugaya, seeing as he didn't really have a choice, settled down and began arranging the dolls, cursing whatever cruel twist of fate had led him to this.

**_Two Minutes Later..._**

"...That's an interesting position that you have Gin in."

"He's dead."

"I see. And..._why _is the Aizen doll missing his head?"

"He's dead too. I killed him with Hyourinmaru." The Kira doll was sprawled face-down on the floor, kept there by the Hitsugaya doll's foot.

Exasperated, Chiyuu propped her hands on her hips. "Wasn't the goal of this exercise NOT to kill either of those two?"

He resisted the urge to smirk. "It was too hard not to."

The hands now went up in the air. "Why? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHY DO YOU INSIST ON THIS POINTLESS BLOODSHED?"

"Because anyone who makes Hinamori bleed should die."

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE IT'S WRONG." It's Hinamori and it's Bedwetter Momo and she should never have to suffer! was what he wanted to yell...but he didn't.

"You..." Trembling with fury, Chiyuu glared at him and snatched up the headless Aizen doll, shaking it like a rattle. "For the sake of everyone who lives here and before we all fall victim to you and your bloody revenge ideas, will you just TELL HINAMORI MOMO THAT YOU FRICKIN' LIKE HER, YOU STUBBORN LITTLE COTTON BALL OF A CAPTAIN?"

For once, Hitsugaya was too stunned to be annoyed at the "cotton ball" jibe. "Ah--"

"Go." Chiyuu pointed to the door, the Aizen body now just a pile of shredded rags and leaking cotton in her twitching grip. "Just...go."

The boy left and the therapist wearily collapsed in her chair, plunking her head on the desk. It was only when she heard the door slide shut and his footsteps receding into the distance that she allowed herself a smug grin.

"Sorry, buddy," she told the mutilated plushie, tossing it on the floor. "But you really _did _deserve that."

**--Day 5--**

Hitsugaya didn't show up in her office that day. But then again, she didn't expect him to. She'd talked to Kira earlier, who had accidentally collided with Hinamori on their way to a meeting, which had resulted in a scraped, somewhat bloody knee.

"And Captain Hitsugaya didn't try to kill me!" Kira raved ecstatically to a sleepy-eyed Chiyuu. "He just punched me so hard that I got a bruise on my arm, and he glared, but that was it! He's been cured!"

_As cured as someone like him CAN be,_ the therapist mused, leaning against the doorframe and watching Hitsugaya Toushirou and Hinamori Momo walk past, talking quietly. The latter seemed happier now and was even smiling, the first one Chiyuu had seen since she'd awoken from her Aizen-induced sleep. And Hitsugaya...was slightly red in the face.

W_ell, I guess the boy genius has some things to learn as well, just like the rest of us... _Chiyuu was snapped from her ponderings when the jingle of bells alerted her to her next patient.

"Kenpachi-kun, how nice to see you! How's your week been?"

Zaraki Kenpachi sulked--a very strange sight. "It's been a week and I haven't stabbed or killed or even _crippled _anything. Are you happy now?"

"_Very _happy," she assured him, beaming up at the tall captain. "And now it's time for scenarios! Suppose you came across a cute little bunny in the forest..."

Ikkaku and Yumichika felt incredibly sorry for their captain.

**---OOC---**

Well, there you go. Random plot bunny attack so I used it, nothing more than that. Thanks in advance to anyone who reviews and...yes, the Aizen plushie...it lived so briefly. Ah, well.


	2. Zaraki Kenpachi

So, apparently I got such overwhelming reviews (although to the person who shot out the half-eaten gummi bear, I hope you're all right)… so I decided, why not? Starting now, this goes from a one-shot to a SERIES of one-shots all centered around Soul Society and their visits to the therapist. Just remember…you guys asked for it, so I cannot be blamed for what strange insanity may occur.

There will be a different character for each chapter, and the lucky person today is… Zaraki Kenpachi! Feel his pain.

I DO own Bleach, but unfortunately, unless they rename the anime/manga Clorox, I don't own THAT Bleach. Again, the only person I own is Chiyuu. I may have to try and do fanart of her and her victims…although I can't draw. Anyway, onwards!

* * *

"Ah, hello!" The door slid open and the black-haired shinigami gazed up at the tall, gristly man hulking in front of her office. "You must be the 11th Captain, Zaraki Kenpachi-kun, right?"

Twitch. Twitch twitch. Kenpachi was _far _more used to bloody battles and disemboweled opponents; fighting and killing were his joys, and he didn't think someone like sweet-faced, happily smiling Soujuku Chiyuu would understand that. So why was he even here? How could such a tiny little girl help him control his "problem"?

Quite frankly, he didn't consider it a problem at all. Sure, he had almost beheaded Yumichika for getting in his way when he was heading for a meeting, but surely that was acceptable! It wasn't as if he had actually gone _through_ with it. And how dare those idiots in the 4th Division ask him to kindly stop maiming those who bothered him or tried to fight him? With Kurosaki Ichigo having returned to his own world, he was quite bored with daily procedures. He wanted a good fight and he couldn't find one. For the oddest reason, everyone seemed to be avoiding him (except for Yachiru, but he never intended to fight her in the first place).

"You like fighting, don't you?" The little girl kept talking merrily, unaware that he hadn't even been listening to her prattle. "Which is why they sent you to me. Please come in."

"There's nothing wrong with fighting," he told her, slowly stepping inside and taking a seat in the chair in front of her desk.

"Maybe not, but one generally does it when one had something to fight about," she commented, sinking into her own chair and contemplating her hulking patient with curious brown eyes. "Zaraki Kenpachi, captain of the 11th Division, known for his bloodlust and his merciless techniques in battle. You fought Kurosaki Ichigo, didn't you? Did it make you happy?"

He grunted an affirmation, not expecting her to understand how exhilarated he had felt when he had crossed blades with the orange-haired ryoka. It had been sheer bliss, fueled by adrenaline and the deep, ringing knowledge that he had found an opponent who could give him a challenge.

Chiyuu rocked back and forth in her chair for a few moments, then smiled. "I bet it was exciting, huh? I mean… I know you're always looking for stronger people, someone you can go all-out against and know that you may not win. That's understandable enough. Plus, even with the sacrifices of blood and pain, the thrill of the fight is the most fun!"

If he hadn't been notorious as the hard-hearted, blood-spilling captain of the strongest division in the Gotei 13, Kenpachi would have let his astonishment show on his face. Here was someone with the personality of a ten-year-old girl who most likely loved cute, fluffy, and shiny things and who had probably never stabbed so much as a toothpick into any other living being and brushed her teeth every night and probably slept with a horridly adorable stuffed animal… and said female had just calmly pinpointed all of the reasons why he liked doing what he did, as if she knew how he felt… like she had experienced it first-hand.

"Or so I imagine that's what it might be like for you," the therapist said hesitantly as the silence continued far past the first stage of awkwardness and plummeted into If-Someone-Doesn't-Speak-Soon-I'm-Gonna-Scream-And-Break-Something. "Am I wrong, Kenpachi-kun?"

"No," he admitted, eyeing her as if she were about to leap out of her seat and start tap-dancing on her desk with Kuchiki Byakuya (who wasn't even in the room and, in fact, was taking an afternoon nap). "But how do you even know what you're talking about, woman?"

Chiyuu shrugged. "I'm a therapist. I'm _supposed _to be uncannily accurate on things like that." She turned business-like in the next instant. "Now… this assignment that I'm giving to you will be extremely difficult for you, but you can't give up once you've accepted it. I'm warning you now… you still have time to turn back."

Kenpachi glared at her. "Tch! Like hell I'm gonna turn back from a wimp-ass assignment! Give me your worse, woman."

She rifled through a drawer, drew out a sheaf of paper, and glanced down at it. "All right… just remember, you voluntarily agreed to it. For the next week, in order to curb your bloodlust, you have to…"

"What?" Kenpachi demanded, irritated by her hesitation. He could handle anything she threw at him, he was sure.

"Read a bedtime story to your entire 11th Division, carry around Rukia-chan's stuffed bunny rabbit around with you everywhere and return it in peak condition, help the 4th Division clean the sewers, sleep with your zanpakutou to form a better bond with it, meditate, compliment others, and avoid all threats and conflicts that could lead to blood being shed on either end."

Instant silence met her instructions, and Chiyuu comfortably settled back in her chair to wait for it to sink in.

She didn't have to wait long.

"Are you fucking CRAZY? There's no way I'm hauling that stupid excuse for a washrag around for a week!"

"It'll get easier by the second day," she reassured him. "Especially during story time."

"Like _hell_. I'm not doing any of that shit!"

"Oh?" Chiyuu raised an eyebrow, smiling serenely as if she didn't have a murderous captain on the verge of ripping her apart sitting right in front of her. "So you would admit defeat to a little girl? How's that going to look on your record? If Ichigo-san ever hears that his toughest opponent lost to someone like me, don't you think he'll laugh his head off and lose all respect for you? No one will ever take you seriously again. If you follow through with your tasks, it shows that you're committed to being a better person and after this week, you're free. You'll never have to worry about being hauled back here again, I guarantee it."

Kenpachi suppressed the urge to strangle her--just barely. "And just how do you know all that?"

"I just do." The shoulders rose and fell once more. "And, if you've still got a very strong urge to kill when you wake up in the morning, feel free to separate my head from my neck. It'll be my form of an apology."

"I'll take you up on that," the man growled, rising and stalking out of the office like an affronted feline, jingling all the way.

"Ah, wait!" Chiyuu cried after him, waving a stuffed bunny in the air like a pennant. "You forgot to take Chappy with you!"

This week was gonna suck. He just knew it.

_**---Day 1 of 7---**_

"AndsoRapunzelwasrescuedbytheprinceandtheylivedhappilyeverafterinaprettycastlewithlotsoflittlebratstheend."

The entire 11th Division, composed mainly of a lot of tough-talking, violent men and one pink-haired little girl, stared silently at Kenpachi as he slammed the gold-embossed book closed with a sound like a clap of thunder.

"Captain…?" Madarame Ikkaku ventured tentatively, wondering if this was all some big joke or if Zaraki Kenpachi had really just called his whole Division just to read them a fairytale. "Are you… feeling all right?"

Kenpachi's grip tightened on the white, smiling stuffed animal that he clutched. "Do you have a problem with my story-telling, Ikkaku?"

"U-uh, no!" The 3rd seat assured him, glancing about for help.

"T-the love story was so pure!" Aramaki Makizou hurriedly added. "I cried!"

The looks of surprise turned to looks of absolutely disgust and he quailed under their glares. "What? What'd I say?"

"Well, _I _thought it was beautiful," Ayasegawa Yumichika spoke up. "It's always nice to hear a story that is bereft of ugliness! It was quite inspiring! Perhaps I, too, shall grow my hair long to throw it out a window and watch it gleam in the sunshine!"

Everyone in the Division had gone mad, Ikkaku reasoned. That had to be it.

Kenpachi sighed. "Go to bed. The story's done." And he thanked every god he knew for that small favor.

The men exchanged glances. "Umm… Captain, we're all grown men here… well, except for the Vice-captain, but--"

"Hey!" Yachiru objected. "Shut up! That was a weird story, anyway! Who'd wanna have someone climb up their hair? It sounds painful!"

"Go. To. BED," Kenpachi said politely, as a vein on his forehead throbbed menacingly.

They went, although Yachiru still complained about the story and how it was "just too weird, even for Ken-chan!"

"Can we read the one about the mermaid tomorrow?" Aramaki asked hopefully as he left.

The glare he received sufficed as the perfect answer.

_**---Day 2 of 7---**_

"T-thank you so much for helping us, Captain Zaraki!" Hanatarou told him, handing him a broom. "The sewers get so dirty sometimes, and we can never get enough people to help us clean them…"

Kenpachi said nothing, just wished that this week would hurry up and finish before he was assigned to give wounded shinigami in the infirmary sponge baths or something.

"Err…" Hanatarou paused, searching for a tactful way to bring up the subject. "D-did you want me to take your rabbit for you so it doesn't get d-dirty?"

"No."

Two minutes later,Chappy accidentally fell into the grimy water and was swept away, with Kenpachi frantically chasing after it.

At least Hanatarou was nice enough to help him clean it afterwards (although he stammered whenever the captain looked at him).

Well, at least the rabbit smelled like Ocean Breeze now.

**_---Day 3 of 7---_**

"Captain, there's a document that requires your--" Ikkaku stopped when he saw Kenpachi asleep in his futon, clutching his sword and the bunny to his chest and looking particularly homicidal, even when in repose.

"… Never mind."

"Maybe we should send him to the therapist," Yumichika suggested, peering over his friend's shoulder. "That kind of behavior can't be natural."

_**---Day 4 of 7---**_

"… Oi, Captain Zaraki, what are you doing with Rukia's stuffed rabbit?"

"… I like bunnies." Twitch.

"…" Stifled laughter. Snort.

"Keep walking, Abarai."

**_---Day 5 of 7---_**

Breathe in. Breathe out. Inhale. Exhale. The whole meditation process wasn't so bad. At least no one was bothering him.

"Heeey, Ken-chan, what're you doing? Can I do it too?"

Breathe in.

"Ken-chaaaan?" Poke.

Breathe out.

"KEN-CHAN!"

In-- He opened his eyes. "Later, Yachiru. Go chew on Ikkaku's head or something."

"But I'm not hungry!"

"…"

"Please?"

Kenpachi sighed. "Fine. Come here and sit like I'm sitting and inhale…"

**_---Day 6 of 7---_**

"Oh, what a cute bunny!" Hinamori Momo shyly gazed at the rabbit that Kenpachi still held, smiling into its vacant button eyes. "I didn't know you liked bunnies, Captain Zaraki."

_No spilling blood, no spilling blood…_ With great effort, Kenpachi forced his grimace into a smile, but that only served to make him look as if he were about to devour the petite shinigami.

"Aren't you… cute." He patted her on the head, and both were equally horrified at the action. He tried to widen his smile. Hinamori gave a squeak, excused herself, and sped away.

So much for compliments. He'd told Yumichika that his eyebrow decorations were looking especially bright that morning, and the vain bastard had been preening like a peacock ever since.

Compliments were vastly overrated.

_**---Day 7 of 7---**_

"What the hell did you do to Hinamori?" Hitsugaya Toushirou demanded, cornering Kenpachi on his way back to his office to read his Division the story of Cinderella (it had become a sort of habit now).

The man looked down at the prodigy, who was giving him his best intimidating glare--and wasn't impressed. "Nothing. Don't worry your shrimpy little head about it."

Hitsugaya's eyes narrowed. "She came running down the hallway, screaming about how terrifying you were."

He didn't think his smile had been that predatory. "Calm down, Hitsugaya. She just… misunderstood."

"If you hurt Hinamori, I'll--"

"You'll what?" He demanded, automatically reaching for his sword before he remembered that he wasn't allowed to kill anyone.

"I'll…" Hitsugaya seemed to have remembered something as well, and didn't look too happy about it. "I'll make you apologize."

"Hmph. Get some balls, kid." He turned and walked away, leaving a fuming captain in his wake.

**_---Redemption!---_**

"_There_," Kenpachi told the therapist with savage satisfaction, dangling the bunny by its ears. "Everyone's still alive! Are you happy now?"

"Did you have fun?" Chiyuu asked cheerfully.

"_Fun?_ Yeah, I had fun. My entire Division thinks I'm the biggest pansy in Soul Society and they all insist on story time now! The 4th Division brats WAVE to me when they pass, Hitsugaya wants to kill me for complimenting Hinamori, and all of Soul Society keeps giving me BUNNY CRAP." He drew his sword. "Girl, give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you now."

She didn't seem perturbed in the slightest. "Did you have the urge to actually kill anyone during that week?"

Kenpachi frowned. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"DID you?" Chiyuu persisted.

He paused. "The first day, yeah. Then I just wanted to pummel the shit out of them."

"There you have it." She stood up and extended her hand. "My assignment was to cure you of bloodlust. Sure, you may want to beat up everyone, but at least you don't want to _slaughter _them anymore! And I think you've grown a bit more tolerant, too. My regards to your Division and please inform them that the story about the princess and the pea is quite entertaining."

Kenpachi stared at her… and kept staring. Did she have no fear or something? She'd made him go through hell to cure him in the oddest way possible! But there had been good moments. Yachiru was getting better at meditation, although she squirmed or lost interest from time to time, and he had a whole new respect for the 4th Division. So he slowly sheathed his sword and shook her hand, deciding that she was tolerable--for a therapist. However...

"I'm not doing it again, got that?"

"Of course."

**_---Afterwards---_**

"Captain Zaraki, what happened to your bunny buddy? Did you get a newfound fondness for puppies instead?"

Kenpachi grinned maliciously at the smirking Renji. "Abarai, you're just the bastard I was looking for."

Elsewhere, Soujuku Chiyuu, Soul Society therapist, heard the yells and smiled.

**---OOC---**

First off, please forgive me for making Kenpachi BADLY OOC. That said and done, I love reviews, so please don't hesitate to whack me over the head with heavy objects. If you'd like this series to continue, you can help me out by voting for the character you'd like to see in the therapy session next. A new character will be added to the poll for each chapter. So, who's next?

1. Abarai Renji

2. Kusajishi Yachiru

3. Ise Nanao

4. Hanatarou Yamada

5. Hinamori Momo

No worries, they'll all get done eventually (and I do mean ALL)! And, if all goes well, I may have the therapist make a visit to Karakura! Thanks again, everyone!


	3. Abarai Renji

You have no idea how much I love all of you right now. You're all awesome. I never thought I'd get so many reviews… I'll try and get at least one chapter per week until I have to head for college, so… the votes are in, and the unfortunate victim today is… Abarai Renji! Hanatarou and Hinamori both tied after him, followed by Nanao and Yachiru, so feel free to keep the votes pouring in and I'll be sure to add a new character or twoto the poll by the end of this chapter. 

And yes, I AM aware that Renji's got enough problems of his own, but this hit me and it wouldn't go away. So I'm writing it down, and feel free to beat me with heavy objects after you're through reading.

And because I can, I did the scariest expression sheet EVER for Chiyuu. The link can be found at my profile.

If I owned Bleach, Hanatarou would be adopted into the Shiba family and given a pet pig. That being said, I own the therapist and the nifty song. Nothing more, nothing less. This chapter is dedicated to Janis, who helped me so incredibly much... and to a bunch of you lovelies at LJ, who inspired me to keep writing! Thanks again!

* * *

"Ahahahahahahahaha!" 

Abarai Renji, staring down at the rolling ball of mirth on the floor, wondered if there was still time to run for it. He didn't think she'd notice. But then again, there was the matter of his pride. This particular fit of laughter was directed at _him,_ and he didn't like it one bit. Unless it was Rukia; there was just something about her laughter that made him unable to grow angry at her. Maybe because she didn't laugh enough.

But he was wandering off-track. The therapist was still laughing her head off and it irked him to no end. She didn't even _have _a reason to go into hysterics; all she had done was welcome him like a civil shinigami should (although she'd addressed him as "Ren-kun" instead of "Vice-Captain Abarai") and glanced at his folder. So the contents must have been the trigger.

"What the hell is so damned funny to you?" He snapped, propping one hand on his hip and reaching down with the other to grasp the giggling Soujuku Chiyuu by the collar.

"I-I'm sorry… it's just that…" She lifted her hand to wipe her eyes, her laughter dying down to a few sporadic chuckles. "I can't believe you DID all of that! And all of that to get Rukia-chan's attention? Ren-kun, you've _got _to find a better way to show off."

He glared at her and lifted his arm. Chiyuu came up with it and he set her on her feet before he released her and slouched down in the assigned "patient chair", still glaring sullenly. "I never said I was showing off."

She settled behind her desk and jabbed a finger at his file. A smile crept onto her face as she read it aloud. "Abarai Renji, seen traipsing through Seireitei with the stolen items of Captain Kyouraku Shunsui and Vice-Captain Ise Nanao of the Eighth Division, as well as the stolen hair apparel of Captain Kuchiki Byakuya of the Sixth Division. Sang several unfamiliar obscene songs before being apprehended and escorted to Soujuku Chiyuu of the Fourth Division. Blames the entire incident on a dare given to him by Vice-Captain Hisagi Shuuhei of the Ninth Division." The therapist closed the folder and the smile broadened into a full-fledged grin.

Renji got a very bad feeling in the lower regions of his stomach.

"So, let me put this in terms that I can understand. Shuuhei-kun dared you to steal Shunsui-kun's pink robe, Nanao-san's glasses, and Captain Kuchiki's freaky hair curlers, wear them and NOTHING ELSE, and run around singing weird songs at the top of your lungs?" She thoughtfully tapped her cheek with a pen. "Come to think of it, I vaguely remember hearing something along the lines of, 'I'm too sexy for my robe, too sexy for my tattoos'. Does that ring a bell?"

"Shut up." His face was now the exact color of his hair, which made him look exactly like a spiky-haired tomato-- one that had most likely been exposed to steroids.

"I don't see why you'd be embarrassed _now_," Chiyuu continued, blissfully ignoring his half-hearted command. "There's not much more that can be done to humiliate you after that particular stunt." She paused, an unfamiliar daze entering her eyes before she gave her head a firm shake. "Anyway, I talked with Shuuhei-kun prior to seeing you, and he told me some very fascinating things."

"_She knows things_," Hitsugaya had told Renji just before he had arrived. "_She knows things that you wouldn't expect her to know about_." And now he was witnessing it first-hand. But he wouldn't let her gloat for long; she was probably just bluffing, anyway!

Or not.

"Shuuhei-kun told me that he had, indeed, dared you to do all of those things, but he had previously made a bet with you that you couldn't go a whole week without mentioning Rukia-chan. Amazingly enough, you won, but you still went through with the dare. Now, why is that, Ren-kun? Why would you embarrass yourself for no good reason at all?"

Renji forced himself to think of the most boring thing he knew. Having tea with Byakuya… yes, that was boring enough. Now, if only he could focus on it intensely enough to block her out…

"I _could_ be wrong, but it seems like this is all a ploy to get Rukia-chan's attention. You've always been a show-off, haven't you? But now she keeps thinking of Ichigo-san and you want her to pay attention to you again."

Okay, so Byakuya wasn't being as effective as he should be. Dammit. Perhaps if he thought about having tea with Yamamoto? The old guy seemed even duller than Byakuya.

"… have to find a different method to get her attention. Er… Ren-kun, your face is twitching."

"What do you want me to say?" He exploded, finally giving up on the futility of it all. "That you're right? That I did all that so Rukia could stop giving a flying shit about Ichigo and we could go back to the way we were before he came along?"

Chiyuu shook her head. "You're mostly right, but I think this goes far beyond their first meeting."

HOW DID SHE KNOW? It defied all comprehension. Yes, things had changed drastically, ever since that day when he had gone looking for Rukia, flushed with his success, and found her with the shocking news that she had been offered a position in the esteemed Kuchiki clan. Their lives had been subtly altered that day, and he would have given up Zabimaru to be able to go back to the old days when it was just the two of them, united in their battle against the fate that life had set in store of them in Rukongai. But it wasn't as if he were romantically interested in her! He just missed the closeness they had once shared. Him, liking Rukia THAT way? Ha!

"Ha!" He repeated aloud. "You're dead wrong, Soujuku. Bet you can't bear to hear that, can you? Sucks to be wrong, doesn't it?"

Chiyuu was uncharacteristically silent, before she raised her eyes from the desk and looked steadily at him. "Ren-kun, could you come here for a moment?"

"Huh?" Wondering if she was going to weep (and feeling partially guilty about it), he reluctantly trudged towards the desk.

"Good. Now stay there for a moment." She climbed onto her desk, leaned over, and grabbed him by the shoulders (she had been too short to do so without the desk's aid). "Wake up and smell the bunnies, VICE-CAPTAIN ABARAI. You miss Rukia-chan. You blame Ichigo-san for her changes in personality, even though they were all for the better. You try to show off so she can laugh at you and make things all lovely again. At this rate, she's just going to think that you've gone insane. And now you… Need. To. Talk. To. HER." She emphasized each word with an equally-forceful shake.

Renji blinked, and would have burst out laughing at the fact that she had to stand on her desk to scold him like this, if only she hadn't made sense.

… Well, except for one part.

"Bunnies smell?"

The therapist grinned crookedly, hopping off her desk. "Yes. Like Ocean Breeze. Ask Kenpachi-kun if you don't believe me."

"Naww, I'll take your word for it." He didn't particularly feel up to finding Zaraki Kenpachi and bluntly inquiring as to what sort of scented soap he'd used to keep Chappy the Bunny squeaky-clean.

"Well, first of all, we'll have to cure you of your show-offy tendencies," Chiyuu said briskly. "So meet me outside the Sixth Division office tomorrow morning."

"Show-offy isn't a word, you know," he couldn't resist pointing out.

She fixed him with a glare. "Quiet, you."

**_---The Following Morning…---_**

"Huh?" Renji blinked, raising one eyebrow. "What're all of you doing here?"

Hitsugaya Toushirou shrugged. "The therapist recommended coming here if we wanted to be entertained. And, after Matsumoto fell asleep and drooled on the paperwork, I am in sore need of entertainment."

Hisagi Shuuhei jerked his thumb towards the diminutive captain. "Uh… yeah. What he said. Minus the drooling chick bit."

Kuchiki Byakuya said nothing, merely surreptitiously raised his hand to make sure that his kenseikan were still safely in his hair and not being used to decorate the flaming tresses of one loud-mouthed vice-captain.

Along with those three, Hinamori Momo, Kira Izuru, Kyouraku Shunsui, Ise Nanao, Zaraki Kenpachi and his pink-haired koala bear, Matsumoto Rangiku, Hanatarou Yamada, Rikichi and Rukia were also in attendance, all wearing expressions of confusion and/or boredom.

"Thanks for coming, everyone!" Chiyuu called out, standing before the assembled group outside of the Sixth Division office. "Since you all seem to know Ren-kun in some way or another, I've invited you to witness his humiliation!"

_She says it so **happily**,_ was the thought that ran through most of the minds present.

The therapist took a deep breath, then launched into a song that she had obviously concocted last night.

"Oh, gather ye round and I'll tell you a tale

Of an infamous tattooed, tall spiky-haired male

Who brags quite a lot, but is actually shy,

Yes, I speak of the one we call Abarai!

Abarai Renji of his captain is bored

And spends his days gossiping with his sharp sword.

He denies that he sleep-talks, but yet this is true;

I have the sworn word of Zabimaru!

Abarai Renji sleeps with a bunny

Which Rukia's fond of; it's incredibly funny

How Renji can tease her and laugh at her joy

When he actually sleeps with the very same toy!

Abarai Renji sleeps with no clothes

And slyly, in secret, he picks his own nose

And wears a pink apron whenever he cooks

And is very self-conscious of how good he looks.

He stole Shunsui's robe and dear Nanao's glasses

And Byakuya's curlers, and called us all asses

While he pranced around singing how he was hot

To get HER attention; and yet, he did not!

Yes, Abarai Renji's a strong, brilliant fighter

Yet I think that his ponytail's been getting tighter

And cutting off circulation into his brain

Simply stated, Abarai Renji's insane!"

Chiyuu finished with a flourish and took her bows as Renji gaped at her like a dying fish and everyone else did their best to hold in their laughter.

How the _hell _had she found out about his pink apron?

_**---Much Later---**_

Renji (after facing many renditions of "The Ballad of Abarai Renji" from everyone he encountered) finally got the point. Showing off was not the way to resolve any conflicts between Rukia and himself. He had to actually sit down and TALK to her. Which he did, in due time, and by the time they were done, he was sure things had definitely been resolved for the better.

But having Byakuya quietly hum that damned song in the background was far more annoying than he'd ever thought possible.

And the therapist grinned and wondered if she should have gone into the musical business.

**_---OOC---_**

I hope you're all happy. I was so paranoid that "surreptitiously" meant "seductively" or something that I had to check in the dictionary. Whew!

I cannot be blamed for the mass amount of people who may be scarred by this chapter and/or fic. That being said, we are now free to move on to the "Please review or I'll make Chiyuu write more songs" part and the "All right, Vote for your Next Victim" section! The next chapter will be either Hanatarou or Hinamori, so I'd like to ask for two votes…

1. Please vote between Hinamori Momo and Hanatarou Yamada for the next chapter.  
2. The other candidates are…

1. Ise Nanao

2. Kusajishi Yachiru

3. Kuchiki Byakuya

4. Ukitake Jyuushirou

5. Kira Izuru

And don't worry, I'll be doing a Karakura special edition one of these days…


	4. Yamada Hanatarou

Well, imagine that! It was a close tie between Hinamori and Hanatarou, but Hana-chan won with a grand total of 14 votes! Unless someone voted for him again… so, to make this a lot easier for me, I'll put up a list of the next three chapters at the end of this one so you people can see who's next and I won't get reviews that just say "OMGHINAMORIPLZ". And yes, **chena pan**, keep an eye out for couples counseling. -evil grin- And **Phishy Chan,** for some reason, your review just made my DAY. -is a dork for fanart- You all rock and thank you all so much for being supportive of this… ummm… work. 

Our victim today is Hanatarou and my disclaimer is: If I owned Bleach, I'd so have Byakuya sing the Ballad of Abarai Renji, just for the crack factor.

* * *

He was running late, and he wasn't sure how patient the therapist would be. Granted, she had to have at _least_ a modicum of patience to be able to deal with her patients without losing her temper, but he didn't want to risk her ire just yet. Besides, all he knew about Soujuku Chiyuu was that she was the official therapist of Seireitei and she was in his Division, but he couldn't remember ever having seen or met her. Her existence to him was a total mystery. And now that mystery might never be solved.

_This has to be my fault somehow_, Yamada Hanatarou thought gloomily, asthree drunken men from the Eleventh Division loomed over him and excitedly debated what to do with the unfortunate healer: take his medical pack and make him try to jump for it while they held it high over his head? Or perhaps just beat him until he was reduced to a small bloody spot on the ground and then hang him from the highest building?

They decided to go for the second option and reached for Hanatarou, but someone got there first, standing in front of him with feet firmly planted on the ground and the most belligerent look he'd ever seen on any other person besides Ichigo.

"I'm sorry," the short girl in the shinigami uniform and the red floppy ribbon said politely to the slovenly, badly-shaven man who had his face currently shoved so close that their noses almost touched. "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to move. Your face is invading my comfort bubble and you're harassing a fellow member of my Division and making him late for his appointment with me."

The man sneered. "Like I give a DAMN about what you---GAAAAAAAAAAAH! My _nose_! My NOSE, YOU LITTLE BITCH! YOU BROKE IT!"

Hanatarou stared. The realization that this girl was his therapist was shocking enough. The fact that she'd just let her fist fly into the nose of the offending shinigami just made his jaw drop even further.

"Eh..." Soujuku Chiyuu cocked her head, studying the man intently. "It looks better that way. Come on, Hana-chan!"

Before Hanatarou could protest or even ask her how she'd been able to deck an Eleventh Division member in the nose like that, she'd impatiently seized his hand and dragged him after her. The other men followed them for a few moments, but the therapist kept running until she'd reached her office, tugged Hanatarou inside, and shut the door behind them both. Silence existed between the duo until she released his hand, ambled towards her desk, and sat down very primly.

"That was _fun_!" She exclaimed happily. "I haven't broken a nose in years! Healers don't usually get to do that, you see,as I'm sure you understand. You're Yamada Hanatarou, aren't you?"

He found his voice (for a minute, he'd thought it had been left behind with the bullies). "U-um, yes... I'm Yamada Hanatarou. It's nice to meet you, Soujuku... err... dono."

Chiyuu's eyebrowsdrew together. "Don't call me that. I'm not all that respectable."

"Ah! I-I-I'm sorry... Soujuku... sensei?"

"...Keep trying."

"Soujuku-san?"

She sighed. "Can't you just call me Chiyuu?"

Hanatarou looked properly horrified at such a suggestion. "B-but you're a therapist! For me to use your name in such an informal manner, I... I-I-I... it would be..."

"Rude?" Chiyuu helpfully supplied. When he sheepishly nodded, she sighed. "Look, Hana-chan, let me lay things out to you. Yes, I am a therapist. No, I don't expect to be treated with that much respect. I only demand that you listen. And if anyone called me Chiyuu, that would make me very happy. If it's not that, it's my last name, or 'Hey, you' or 'Therapist', or sometimes even 'Meddling bitch'. Now, can we try again? I promise, I won't be offended."

The boy took a deep breath, quivering in his chair in front of her desk like a condemned prisoner. "... Chiyuu-san?"

"Good!" The therapist clapped her hands and glanced down at the file already lying open on her desk. "Let me see... judging by your deferential behavior and your constant stammering, I would say that Captain Unohana referred you to me for issues of low self-esteem?"

Hanatarou slowly lowered his head dejectedly, which gave her all the answer she needed. "I-I'm sorry..."

"Don't apologize for things that aren't your fault," she chided lightly, peeking at the file again. "You were the one who was kidnapped by Kurosaki Ichigo and Shiba Ganju when they first broke into Seireitei and tried to rescue Rukia-chan, right?" When he nodded, she grinned at him. "I'd heard about that, although I was helpingin Sick Bay 16 then, so I couldn't see it for myself. But Rukia-chan tells me that you were very brave and you even stood up to Captain Hair Curlers to protect her! I'm very impressed, Hana-chan!"

"N-no, I'm nothing like that!" He protested, but she shot him a look that all but screamed _"DON'T DENY IT"_ and he wavered. "I-I mean... I suppose it was something like that... but I was afraid the entire time, and Ganju-san had to save me! I wasn't... brave at all..."

Chiyuu snorted amusedly, letting her elbows fall on the desk and propping her chin in her hands. "For risk of sounding horribly cliché, true courage is doing what you need to do, despite the overwhelming, crippling fear that the expressionless man in front of you is going to destroy you and scatter your twitching, bloodypieces into the wind."

Hanatarou slowly but steadily turned a pale shade of green and she laughed, but not unkindly. "Sorry, that was a little too graphic, wasn't it? What I mean to say is that you were extremely courageous during your time as a captive and you became a hero for the Fourth Division. When we all heard how hard you struggled to oppose what everyone knew was wrong... we wondered, 'Can I be like that, too? Can I stand up for what I believe in?' And we all began to fight, just to become a little braver. Sure, we still get harassed by the Eleventh Division all the time, and they're scary as hell, but someday, we'll fight back!"

"You punched that man in the nose today," he reminded her. "You're already brave."

"I'm a therapist. There's a fine line between the two." She stretched one arm above her head and absentmindedly flipped through the pages of his file. "So here's the deal, Hana-chan. In five days, I guarantee that you'll be a more confident person. Do you believe me?"

For the first time since he'd entered her office, Hanatarou raised his voice. "F-f-FIVE DAYS? That's all it's going to take? _Really_?"

Chiyuu's lips twitched slightly. "I wouldn't say it if I was lying. I'll see you tomorrow."

Hanatarou still had his doubts, but he decided to trust her. After all, there was nothing in her tone or posture that suggested that she was telling anything other than the gospel truth. He just hoped he wouldn't be late tomorrow.

* * *

_It has to be bad karma!_ Hanatarou's mind wailed, as he tremulously backed away from the seven or eight men surrounding him. One of them (wearing a wad of bandages on his nose) cracked his knuckles threateningly.

"That little brat isn't here to save you this time, pansy!" He sneered thickly, stepping towards the seventh seat. Hanatarou cringed, waiting for the inevitable first hit to be laid upon him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"Well, it's a damned good thing you're _not_ me, ISN'T... it... br..." The shinigami trailed off as he whipped around to scream at Chiyuu... and discovered just what sort of company she kept these days.

The therapist beamed tranquilly from her perch on Zaraki Kenpachi's back alongside Yachiru. "Yes, I'd say it IS a damned good thing I'm not you, or I'd be in a lot of pain in a few seconds."

_This a miracle_, Hanatarou thought. _Or a very strange dream. Why is Chiyuu-san on Captain Zaraki's back?_ The immense spiritual pressure the man was emitting was enough to make breathing difficult, as if Kenpachi's power was pressing against his lungs.

"Get off, Yachiru, Soujuku," Kenpachi growled, as both girls obeyed and slid to the ground. "I'm gonna deal with my men." His eyes gleamed dangerously, and the "men" all shuddered in unison.

"How... Chiyuu-san, how did you... Captain..."

"You mean, how did I get Kenpachi-kun to help me?" The girl grinned wickedly, offering him a helping hand (his legs had refused to support him when Kenpachi arrived and had given out like melting jelly). "We're good buddies. Or, more like, after I put him through hell for his therapy, he decided I was tolerable and he wouldn't kill me, after all. And hey..." She jerked her thumb at the bawling men now running every which way in absolute terror. "They brought reinforcements, I brought reinforcements."

Hanatarou didn't know whether to hug her or back away slowly from her. What had he gotten himself into?

Chiyuu dropped her voice to a hushed whisper. "And besides, Kenpachi-kun is grateful to you. If you hadn't healed Ichigo-san after his fight with Ren-kun, Kenpachi-kun would have been unable to fight him. So, in a sense, this is his way of thanking you."

"STOP RUNNING, DAMMIT! WHO'S A PANSY NOW, HUH? LIKE HELL I'M GONNA READ YOU BASTARDS THAT SHIT ABOUT A FROG TONIGHT! DON'T FUCK WITH HIM, YOU GOT ME?"

Screams, grunts, and loud wails of pain and agony followed Kenpachi's rant, along with the constant vocal support of Yachiru.

"Yaaaay, Ken-chan! Beat 'em up, beat 'em up!"

Yes... this all had to be a very strange dream.

**_---Day Two of Five---_**

"So, did you do what I asked you to do?" Chiyuu inquired, softly swinging her legs back and forth as she sat behind her desk.

"Yes!" Hanatarou was proud to reply, fishing the paper out of his uniform and passing it to her. It had taken him all night to laboriously write it up, but he had finally finished with "Reasons Why I Like Myself".

The therapist squinted at the paper, her mouth moving soundlessly as she read it. And then she looked up at Hanatarou sharply.

"You could only list five things?"

"Yes!" He hastened to reassure her, for the therapist looked as if she was rapidly developing a headache. "I can clean, I do what I'm told, I can make people better, I'm good at cooking, and..."

"Ayasegawa Yumichika once told you that you had pretty eyes and kissable lips," she finished for him, reading off the paper.

"Mm!"

"... You're also brave, gentle, a hard worker, and you're always willing to help in whichever way you can." Chiyuu jotted those things down on the list and slid it across to him. "Keep that with you and remember that all of those things are true."

Once Hanatarou had left, she sifted through her drawers, found a particular file, and wrote on it, _Remember to have a talk with Yumichika about the consequences of hitting on fragile young boys._

_**---Day Three of Five---**_

"First of all, if you _act _like you're afraid of your own shadows, people see you as a natural target," Chiyuu instructed her patient. "You need to learn how to appear more self-confident. If you LOOK confident and determined, there will be a smaller chance of you getting picked on."

Hanatarou bobbed his head up and down, trying to figure out what this was leading to.

He found out soon enough.

"Repeat after me." The shinigami pushed herself out of her chair and jumped on top of it, placing one foot on top of her desk. "I am BRAVE!"

Hanatarou STARED.

Chiyuu rolled her eyes. "Ne, Hana-chan, I'm not doing this for my health. Say it with me! I am BRAVE!"

"I... I am... brave?"

"Louder!"

"I am... brave!"

"SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!"

"I am BRAVE!"

"LOUDER!"

"I AM BRAVE!"

"Atta boy! Now... I AM IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL!"

"I AM IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL!"

"AND I EAT BABIES!"

"AND I EAT-- hey, wait, Chiyuu-_saaaaan_!"

She coughed. "Sorry, couldn't resist. Back to work. I LOVE MYSELF IN A NON-NARCISSISTIC MANNER!"

Abarai Renji, wandering past the office, heard this and shuddered delicately, quickly picking up his pace. He didn't WANT to know.

_**---Day Four of Five---**_

"Please?" Chiyuu begged earnestly, clasping her hands in front of her in the most beseeching manner she could muster. "It's not for me, it's for Hana-chan!"

Hisagi Shuuhei uncomfortably scratched the back of his head, not sure why he was even here in the first place. "No offense, but if I have to go through this, I'm gonna pretend it's for you. I hardly even know this Hanatarou kid."

"I don't even know why I have to do it ALL," Renji complained, exchanging uneasy glances with Kenpachi and Rukia. "Find someone else, Soujuku!"

"Oh, gather ye round and I'll tell you a tale..." Chiyuu sang very quietly.

The vice-captain's face flamed crimson as everyone else snickered. "Fine, FINE, dammit! I'll do it! Just... stop _singing_!"

The therapist grinned at him. "Thank you! You can wear the skirt, okay? And the rest of the Fourth Division will be there, and the Eleventh Division too, ne, Kenpachi-kun?"

"Bet on it," Kenpachi assured her in a low growl. "Those bastards are gonna pay. I owe that kid too damned much."

"He did so much for me," Rukia added, hiding a smile behind her hand as Hanatarou walked past, plastered in smiley face stickers and other various stickers that read, "I am someone amazing" or "I believe in myself" or "Can't hold me down, beeyotch".

Chiyuu gratefully bowed to them all. "Thank you so much! I'll see you tomorrow!"

Hisagi quirked an eyebrow. "… Did one of those stickers say 'beeyotch' on it, Chiyuu? Or was that just my imagination?"

She quickly averted her eyes. "Er... well, it WAS sorta inspirational... and I thought it had a nice ring to it." And off the therapist ran before anyone else could inquire further, while Renji wondered whether he'd really have to wear a skirt.

**_---Day Five of Five---_**

Hanatarou had seen some strange things in his life, but nothing like_ this_ had everhappened to him before.

And Abarai Renji carrying pompoms, along with the entire Eleventh Division, Fourth Division, Kuchiki Rukia, Zaraki Kenpachi, Kusajishi Yachiru, and Hisagi Shuuhei definitely qualified as strange. No, more than strange.

_Disturbing._ Yes, that was the right term. Disturbing beyond belief.

And it only got worse when Chiyuu (who had led him out of her office to see the spectacle) cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "Go for it, guys!" As one, the entire group began to chant.

"2-4-6-8

Whowill we annihilate?

Those who mess with Hanatarou

We will beat til no tomorrow!

Hanatarou's really cool

He always makes the ladies drool

And that is why we're here to say

Three cheers for Hana, yay, yay, yay!"

"And we'll beat whoever messes with him to death where the blood oozes out and makes pretty colors!" Yachiru piped up, wildly waving her pompoms and narrowly missing smacking Kenpachi in the face.

Poor Hanatarou still couldn't speak. "Wh... wha... _what_..."

"We're your fan-club," Renji informed him, gently bopping him on the head with his own fluffy cheering device (and secretly relieved that he'd escaped skirt treatment). "So get confident already, because I'm sure as hell not gonna sing that damned chant again."

The Eleventh Division looked very uncomfortable, except for Yumichika, who was still leaping up and down and cheering until Ikkaku kicked him. Hard.

"Hanatarou." Unohana Retsu stepped in front of the crowd, looking unerringly at her Division member. "You were brave, you were selfless, and you did so much for Seireitei that you needed to know how much we appreciate you. On behalf of the Fourth Division and everyone else assembled here today, we thank you."

"Th... thank you, Captain Unohana!" Hanatarou managed to smile and thanked Chiyuu profusely when the woman had walked away.

"You helped me to believe in myself and I can look people in the eye now... and I know that I'm just as important as anyone else here! Except... maybe all of the captains and the vice-captains and the--"

"Close enough," Chiyuu interrupted, laughing and ruffling his hair. "I'm just glad that you're happier now and you're definitely stammering less. Just know that you're important and you have friends who will make sure nothing happens to you."

"HANATAROU!" One of the members from their Division yelled. "Come on, we have to clean the sewers!"

"Ah...! Coming..." Hanatarou shuffled off, presumably to collect his broom and Kenpachi twitched, perhaps remembering his fun experience in the sewers.

Chiyuu watched the boy wander off with his head held high and smiled in satisfaction... then turned to her next victim.

"So, Yumi-chan, what's this I hear about you praising Hana-chan's pretty eyes and kissable lips?"

Ikkaku could only watch as his friend was chased by a little girl, yelling, "STOP TRYING TO SEXUALLY MOLEST MY PATIENTS!"

Ah, yes. What a _beautiful _day it was.

**---OOC---**

I should SO not try to write at 11 PM or so. It does weird things to my brain. Anyway, please review and thanks to an overwhelming response, here are the next three victims/chapters!

1. Kuchiki Byakuya

2. Shunsui and Nanao

3. Hinamori Momo

Not to worry, Yachiru and Ukitake will show up somewhere after those three chapters… and then, our therapist takes a break to head down to Karakura and help the poor souls there!

One of these days, I'm so gonna get shot for writing this stuff.


	5. Kuchiki Byakuya

XD Well, it's very nice to know that most of you won't let me die, since Chiyuu and I are old buds and you'd never see her again. Or something like that, right? I feel the love. Oh, and **sinmay**, thanks so much for the grammar editing tips. The sad thing is, they were fine when I typed it up, but FF does the weirdest thing of jamming some of the words together. Thanks for catching that; I'll do my best to correct them this time! 

All right, children. This chapter is devoted to Byakuya and his experiences of therapy… it will be strange. You will get strange looks. I will laugh as I type this, because I'm weird that way. And just a warning, this may be the last chapter for awhile until I get settled into college life, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't write "Update soon!" because sometimes… that's REALLY hard to do. I'll do what I can, though.

If I owned Bleach, Isshin would so be my dad. Or Ukitake. Because they're both awesome.

* * *

Soujuku Chiyuu had to admit that she'd had a few unusual patients in her office from time to time. Mayuri's visit had undeniably traumatized her for awhile, and she'd had a hard time recovering when her own captain had come in to confess that she had an unexplainable crush on Zaraki Kenpachi.

She hadn't been sure what had been worse at the time: Unohana coming to her for love advice, or Unohana having a romantic interest in the man who regarded war as a giant, bloody game of Tag.

But even a potential union of healer and fighter fell short when it came to the person sitting across from her with a face like marble and a personality to match it perfectly.

"Kuchiki-taichou," she greeted at last, a stray thought crossing her mind that this must be what the end of the world felt like. "How are you?" _And what are you doing in my office?_

Kuchiki Byakuya didn't feel like holding a meaningless conversation about his health, so he got straight to the point without batting an eye. "I'm here for my therapy."

Chiyuu eyed him peculiarly, plunging her hand into a drawer and fishing out a file. She wasn't sure if she even _wanted _to know how someone like Byakuya had been coerced into walking into her office and actually seeking therapy for his issues. The file had the information she needed, however, and she perused it quickly.

"Ah, so Unohana-taichou recommended it... it says here that you are too austere, overprotective of Kuchiki Rukia-chan, and your rank restricts you from acting civil to those below your station."

Silence from the marble statue. Ah, well. She had expected as much.

"It's a good start that you've whittled down on your pride enough to come see a lowly Fourth Division member... it seems things have changed since you were defeated by Ichigo-san, hm?"

More silence. It was as if she was holding a conversation with a wall. A wall that stared right through her.

"Always a follower of the rules," the therapist went on, refusing to let herself be daunted. "So much so that you were even willing to execute your own sister." She sighed dramatically, dusting off her shikakushou. "It seems to me that I'm going to have my hands full with your therapy. Do you solemnly swear not to back out, no matter _how _painful or difficult it may be to follow through with?"

This time, Byakuya's blue eyes actually focused on the therapist. From sounding like a small child, unsure of what she was doing, her voice had just altered so that she abruptly sounded stern and very much in control of the situation. It was a voice that demanded respect, and he was starting to get a glimmer of why her patients never backed out of their therapies. Neither would he.

"I assure you, I am capable of handling whatever you choose to be adequate therapy."

Chiyuu let out a low whistle. "Ah, so you talk after all. No protests? If you refuse a single request or treatment, I'll have to tell Unohana-taichou that you weren't up to completing your therapy."

Those same blue eyes suddenly narrowed and became as cold as frost. "So be it. I was not aware that Fourth Division members gave captains so little credit." A challenge had been issued. He wouldn't back down now.

"On the contrary, Kuchiki-taichou. I give captains just as much credit as they deserve." She was smiling sweetly, with just the slightest trace of orneriness in that look.

Lesser men would have glared. Kuchiki Byakuya settled for his "You-Do-Not-Amuse-Me-Pitiful-One" stare.

Chiyuu remained unruffled and unafraid, meeting his eyes with a challenging stare of her own. "Seven days," she began, shuffling her papers without breaking the impromptu staring contest. "In short, you have seven days to loosen up. I will be your friend for that week. I will tell you what it is you have to do each day. The week starts today, so hand over your hair curlers."

Byakuya jerked his eyes away so fast that they watered for a moment. "My what?" He questioned, his tone so frigid that Chiyuu swore the room temperature dropped twenty degrees.

"Your hair curlers," she repeated patiently. "The little white tubey things in your hair that make you look pretty damned feminine. And the scarf too, while you're at it."

"You..." He could scarcely believe the impertinence of the beaming brat holding up her hand for the items. "Do you not realize what these symbolize?"

Chiyuu's smile vanished and she once again shifted into Stern Therapist-mode. "Curlers are used to alter straight hair and shift it into a shape reminiscent of a corkscrew. Scarves are for when you're cold. As it rarely snows in Seireitei, and your hair would look pretty ridiculous with only half of it curled, I must insist that you hand both items over. You promised not to disagree, remember?"

Byakuya had the feeling, as he sluggishly unwrapped the scarf from around his neck and pressed it into the therapist's hand (how he wanted to strike her down just then!), that this was going to be a very long and painful process.

It DID, however, take Chiyuu a good twenty minutes to separate Byakuya from his kenseikan, and she had eventually just tackled him, wrestled him to the floor and scurried off with them while he sat there and waited for his crumpled pride to mend itself.

Long and painful process, indeed.

**_---Day Two of Seven---_**

"As we're now friends, we're going to do what friends do!" Chiyuu skipped ahead of Byakuya, who was subconsciously fingering his kenseikan-less hair and mourning them (inwardly, of course).

He was almost afraid to ask."... And they...?"

"Make cookies, of course!" She handed him a pink apron that looked remarkably like the one she had sung about in the Ballad of his vice-captain. "Even though we're trying to strip you of dignity as quickly and efficiently as possible, getting cookie dough all over you would be just a bit _too _traumatizing."

"You needn't be so blunt," was his response, as he unfolded the item and looked at it with barely-veiled disgust. There was the ugliest rendition of a panda bear on one of the pockets, not to mention the entire thing was PINK.

"Yes, I do," Chiyuu disagreed, marching into the cafeteria with a new air of purpose. "It's all part of the job. Here, I rented the kitchen for the afternoon, so we're going to make enough cookies to feed the Gotei 13!"

Oh, WHY had he even agreed to go along with this in the first place? He should have killed her when he had the chance.

_Five Hours Later…_

"Hm." Chiyuu musingly munched on her half of the cookie. "It's perfect! The twenty-ninth batch is the best one yet!"

Byakuya, too tired tomaintain his immaculate posture, slumped wearily against a counter. "You had no idea what you were doing."

"I never said I could cook." She cast him a sidelong glance. "But I'm impressed. I never figured you for the baking type."

"Neither did I. I admit that I had believed you to be a better baker."

Chiyuu laughed at this. "I'm horrible at this sort of thing. Izuru-kun is much better at it than I am. Ren-kun, too. Isn't his apron cute?"

Byakuya, once again, didn't want to know. So he changed the subject. "You have cookie dough in your hair."

She automatically felt for it and grimaced. "SoI do.Well, you have cookie dough on your face."

When he felt his face, it was as smooth as always, clear of any fatal dough. "No, I don't."

Without warning, Chiyuu picked up a spoon loaded with dough and let it fly.

SPLAT.

"You do now."

_He was going to kill her_. Once this week was over, Soujuku Chiyuu was going to DIE.

**_---Day Three of Seven---_**

"We're hugging people today!" Chiyuu said brightly, and Byakuya accidentally inhaled his green tea.

"What purpose would that accomplish?" He wheezed out, after the therapist had solidly thumped him on the back to abate his coughing fit.

She became even more infuriatingly perky. "Because you seem to think that everyone around you has some sort of contagious disease and you don't even hug your own sister! So, today, we're hugging everyone we see!"

He had a bad feeling about this entire day... which proved to be absolutely correct.

Chiyuu went first, having spotted Hisagi Shuuhei across the court and sprinting over to hug him around the waist. The Ninth Division vice-captain seemed vaguely surprised to see a therapist down there, but then smirked and lightly hugged her back.

"See?" She informed Byakuya triumphantly. "That's not hard at all!"

The first person he hugged was Rukia, and it had been an interesting process.

"Rukia."

"Yes, Nii-sama?"

"I am going to embrace you now."

"...Nii-sama, are you not feeling well?"

"Are you questioning my state of mental stability?"

"...A hug sounds... nice."

Byakuya had thought the whole thing to be rather awkward, but not unpleasant. That was, until they saw Hinamori Momo and Matsumoto Rangiku strolling towards them.

Chiyuu had no qualms about hugging other women, since the species was generally more affectionate, so she and Rangiku exchanged cheerful hugs, and Byakuya (excruciatingly slow) bent to hug Hinamori.

Hinamori fainted.

Next thing he knew, Hitsugaya was running after him with murdering intent gleaming in his eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HINAMORI?"

Rangiku and Chiyuu, who were concentrating on reviving the poor vice-captain, could only cringe.

"You know, you should probably hug your vice-captain," the therapist mused, once Hitsugaya had been subdued and they'd escaped. "You get along with Ren-kun, don't you?"

"I refuse to hug him."

Five minutes later, they left Abarai Renji stammering with shock and horror as he tried to grasp the fact that Kuchiki Byakuya had just HUGGED him, told him sternly not to tell a soul, and strode out with the diminutive shinigami by his side.

"No more," Byakuyatold his companion. "We've hugged every shinigami that we've comeacross." If this went on, he'd _never_ live it down.

Chiyuu grinned, then threw her arms around him. Before he could react, she was heading into her office, calling over her shoulder, "Aren't you glad we didn't run into Kenpachi-kun, then?"

Byakuya had horrific nightmares that night.

**_---Day Four of Seven---_**

Chiyuu had dropped by the noble house of Kuchiki with lunch for the both of them (although she assured Byakuya that Renji had actually helped to make themafter she'd burnt the rice).

"Eh? Byakuya-san, you have ducks?" She pointed to the water-fowl contentedly paddling around the pond.

"Yes. The servants take care of them." When he got no reply from the normally-talkative girl, he glanced up. Chiyuu was investigating some of the reeds near the edge of the pond.

Suddenly, she let out a soft yelp, crouching down. "Byakuya-san! You have eggs!"

He joined her, glancing down in the direction of her extended finger. Sure enough, five eggs were nestled amongst fallen reeds, grass, and mud, and they were quivering-- wait.

"THEY'RE HATCHING!" Chiyuu leapt to her feet and ran away, yelling something about getting help. Byakuya watched her departure, bemusedly wondering why she was making such a fuss.

And then one of the eggs split in two.

**_--- Day Five of Seven---_**

Chiyuu was busy sorting through all of her files and scribbling notes on each and every paper, when a heated stare on the back of her neck made her realize that she was no longer alone in her office. She swiveled around to meet the dark, foreboding gaze of Kuchiki Byakuya.

"Something the matter?" She inquired curiously, noting with interest that his eye was actually twitching spasmodically.

As an answer, Byakuya pointed behind him and the therapist stood up to walk around her desk and see what was irritating him so.

Three minutes later, she _still_ hadn't stopped laughing.

"I fail to see what is so amusing," Byakuya spoke icily. "Would you care to enlighten me?"

Chiyuu made a conscious effort to control herself. "You... you have a row of five ducklings following you. You were the first thing they saw, weren't you?"

He didn't answer.

"And... and... they think_ you're_ their mother! YOU! Congratulations, Byakuya-san, I always knew you'd make a terrific parent. I somehow assumed you'd be the male half, though. Do they have names yet?"

Again, the twitch. "No, they don't. Nor will they. I would like to rid myself of their presence, and I have tried every method imaginable to do this, but still they trail after me."

"Well, what did you expect? Your face is imprinted in their minds now. You could always just give them to Izuru-kun or Ren-kun and have them make roast duck."

Silence.

"Kidding, kidding!" She flapped a hand at him, still chuckling. "There's not much you _can_ do, I'm afraid. If their mother hasn't come for them yet, chances are that she's dead, so you'll have to take care of them. They'll follow you until they're old enough to fly on their own... which could be awhile, since I hear they don't even get all their feathers in until they're five weeks old. But you could _at least_ give them names. What kind of parent would leave their children nameless?"

Byakuya left the room with Quack, Waddle, Kuro, Kanoko, and Steve, along with a new urge to wring that infernal girl's neck.

**_---Day Six of Seven---_**

"So I believe that the best thing to do in such circumstances would be to allow the vice-captains of the three units to take charge until we can find suitable replacements as captains," Yamamoto droned.

Soi Fong and Ukitake were listening intently. The rest of the captains were looking at Kuchiki Byakuya and the five little peeping birds at his heels. Quack seemed to have fallen in love with Hitsugaya's foot, much to his annoyance, and Steve was being cooed over by Shunsui, while Kenpachi snickered, Unohana smiled serenely to hide her own amusement, and Mayuri scrutinized Kuro, as if debating whether to use the duckling for experiments or not.

Komamura just wondered how one of them would taste.

Byakuya silently renewed his death threat towards his therapist.

_Later…_

"It's rather sudden," Chiyuu apologized, trotting towards the Eleventh Division headquarters, "but Kenpachi-kun was called away on Hollow business, and Yachiru has a bad case of the stomach flu, so he asked if I could come and keep an eye on her. Normally, Ikkaku-kun and Yumi-chan would do it, but they're both with Kenpachi-kun, and Ikkaku-kun flatly said that his head still bears teeth marks from the last time he watched Yachiru."

Byakuya slowly lifted an eyebrow, as if to ask _So why am **I **here?_

"It's part of your therapy. You've learned to feed and care for the ducklings, and now we're going to expose you to a sick child and see how you handle it."

"And no, you may _not _kill her. I wouldn't want Kenpachi-kun to lose his temper. His therapy was hard enough, so don't even tempt him, okay?"

It couldn't be that difficult if Yachiru was sick, Byakuya reasoned.

He had yet to learn that reasoning and logic did not exist for the Eleventh Division.

Yachiru had tried to eat Waddle, climbed up onto Byakuya's shoulder, yelled in his ear that he wasn't her Ken-chan, and had promptly thrown up in his hair. He could still hear his hair roots screaming in agony, even after Chiyuu had helped him shampoo it sixteen times while the remaining members of the Eleventh Division tried to get Yachiru to take her medicine.

In the end, it had taken said members and the therapist to hold the squirming vice-captain down, pry her jaws open and literally force the medicine down her throat, keeping her mouth firmly shut until she swallowed. Then they had tied her down after she had gone after Byakuya's head again. Chiyuu reluctantly parted with her beloved red ribbon so that Byakuya could pull his hair back and out of reach of Yachiru's grasping little hands.

Then there had been the bedtime story, in which the men had hovered nearby while Chiyuu told the goriest story she could think of (Yachiru just wasn't happy unless there was blood and dead people at the end).After the child had drifted off,they'd all gone off to get very, very drunk.

Byakuya, about to (uncharacteristically) thank Chiyuu for the loan of her ribbon, suddenly noticed that she had fallen asleep alongside Yachiru... as had the ducklings.

He could have left her there, but it had been helpful to have two people work to get the vomit out of his lovely tresses and she HAD taking precautionary measures to spare his hair while risking her own... so he picked her up, placed the ducklings in a box, and carried her to her office once Kenpachi and the others had returned.

The week was completed.

**_---Day Seven of Seven---_**

"Well, here are your hair noodles back--"

"Kenseikan."

"Seriously, why do you even wear curlers?"

"They're kenseikan, and I already told you why."

"Because you enjoy looking like Marie Antoinette?"

"Byakuya... er, Kuchiki-taichou, you really have no sense of humor." She handed over the scarf. "Your progress has been excellent this past week. You've loosened up considerably, you didn't slaughter Yachiru for throwing up on you, you've kept five ducklings safe from culinary demise, and people actually think there's a heart beating within you now. It's been an honor working with you."

He gazed at her. "Do you have fear at all?"

"Sure. Mayuri-taichou scares me. YOU used to scare me, but I didn't think acting frightened around you would help with your socializing skills. And you've relaxed enough to let Rukia-chan go visit the human world! I'm very proud of you!"

Wait. "Rukia isn't here?"

"Nope, she was allowed to go visit Ichigo two days ago. You didn't notice?"

He'd been too busy dealing with a handful of quacking "children" and coming up with new and inventive ways to make Chiyuu suffer to notice. So he did what he always did when he was wrong. He said nothing.

Then he placed the ribbon in her palm and closed her fingers around it.

"...Thank you."

He left in a whirl of white and black robes, but then he hesitated. "Should you ever feel like baking again, contact me before they give you full reign of the oven."

"They weren't THAT bad," the therapist grumbled good-naturedly. "Say hi to the children for me. Also, Kenpachi-kun wants to know if you're free to baby-sit Yachiru on Friday night. She seems to have grown fond of you. Just remember to wear protective gloves. Oh, and Ren-kun wants his apron back."

He was going to KILL her.

---OOC---

I had to finish this quickly, since I've got to go get my wisdom teeth out in about an hour and you DON'T want me writing once I'm drugged, trust me. It frightens small children. Please review, and hopefully Byakuya will forgive me for doing so many bad things to him and MAKING HIM OOC. -weeps-

Up next is the couples therapy of Shunsui and Nanao, and then Hinamori's after them. Again, updates will SLOW DOWN.


	6. Shunsui and Nanao

Yeah, so this is Kia on her new laptop, in college, trying to write another insane chapter. It's a bit weird, I think, but I'm FINALLY able to sit down and actually type fun stuff. Mucho thanks to Rai, who gave me the best ideas for some of the therapy session today, and (no, I am not writing you Therapist/You Know Who crack) I'm very grateful to her for renewing my inspiration. Sorry for taking so long, everyone, but that's life. And school. 

Our newest victim(s) are Kyouraku Shunsui and Ise Nanao of the Eight Division. Pray for them.

Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, Hisagi would GET A FRICKIN' BACK-STORY. Again, I own no one but Chiyuu (and Byakuya's ducky kids). Oh, yeah. And since FF isn't letting me reply to reviews, if you WOULD like me to, just mention it in your review and I'll e-mail you or something. And yes, this chapter is not that funny as some of the others. Oh, well! Again, that's life!

* * *

Ise Nanao, vice-captain of the Eighth Division, was highly displeased, and this was made quite evident when she tightened her grip on her book and slid her glasses up the bridge of her nose. Her eyes were narrowed slightly, and the therapist didn't have to be keenly observant to know that the woman wasn't happy with her current location and predicament.

"I appreciate you both seeing me on such short notice," Chiyuu began, watching Nanao carefully out of the corner of her eye as she tucked her pen behind her ear and browsed through the files on her desk. "I hope I didn't drag you out of anything_ too_ important."

Kyouraku Shunsui waved a hand lazily through the air, dispelling any doubts the therapist might have harbored. "Just sitting down for some early-morning sake," he assured her. "But Nanao-chan wouldn't let me!"

"You have a meeting in two hours," Nanao said shortly, a flicker of light catching in her lenses as she turned her head slightly to look at her indolent superior. "It would be prudent to be completely sober while in attendance, Kyouraku-taichou."

"But that's no fuuuuuun!" He whined, burying his hands inside the sleeves of his pink flowered coat and presenting her with his best pout.

Nanao remained unmoved. "Also, your stamp is required for several important documents that were due yesterday afternoon. I put them on your desk and they're still there, if my suspicions are correct."

"No, they're not!" Shunsui informed her gleefully. "I accidentally spilled some sake on my desk this morning and I used it to clean up the puddle so my dear, dear Nanao-chan wouldn't get mad at me! Aren't you proud of me, Nanao-chaaaaan?"

_Hitting him with her book would probably only make him happier_, she thought disappointedly.

"Um... excuse me," Chiyuu piped up from her usual spot. "I was asked to schedule therapy for the both of you, because it seems that Nanao-san doesn't like Shunsui-san's attitude towards her, and Shunsui-san thinks that Nanao-san should loosen up. Is that right?" Strangely enough, her tone had gone flat, as if her opinion differed from those reasons, but she said nothing on her thoughts about it and instead patiently waited for a reply.

"I love my l-o-v-e-l-y Nanao-chan," Shunsui drawled, reaching out to place a hand on his vice-captain's head. "B-but Nanao-chan just doesn't know how to have fun! She's so cruel! So coooold! It makes me shiver!"

"Perhaps Kyouraku-taichou should wear a warmer coat then," Nanao couldn't resist retorting.

"So COOOOOOOOOOOLD, MY SWEET NANAO-CHAAAAAN..."

Chiyuu's head swiveled back and forth between the two of them, and her look of confusion soon gave way to a small smile of realization. "I get it now," she muttered, mostly to herself. Then, louder, "Nanao-san, Shunsui-san, I've pretty much got it figured out. For this week... Nanao-san, I want you to be as ladylike as possible, and be all that Shunsui-san wants you to be. As for Shunsui-san, you will be the type of captain that Nanao-san wants you to be the week after that. That should help improve your relationship. Nanao-san, stay with me after this session, please. You're going to need a little help in getting started."

It was apparent that both Eighth Division members were a little wary on what this could possibly entail, but Chiyuu seemed to know what she was doing, so Shunsui excused himself to get ready for his meeting (and guzzle some sake before Nanao could scold him), while his vice-captain remained seated and gazed at the shorter shinigami expectantly.

"Hm," the therapist murmured, critically eyeing Nanao as she rose from her desk and walked around her in a slow, calculating circle. "Not too bad... but those will have to go... and that... oh, and_ that_ too."

"Those and that WHAT?" Nanao inquired warily. In return, she was faced with a smile so blinding that she had to blink several times to restore her vision to its usual clarity.

"The glasses, your hairstyle, and your book," Chiyuu answered, wresting the latter from Nanao's iron grip and calmly extending her hand for the glasses. "Shunsui-san wants you to be ladylike, right? And apparently, you nag him too much about things. So... first, we change your look. Then, we change your attitude. Let him do whatever he wants. Do whatever you think will make him happy."

"Whatever I—wait, I need those!" A flustered Nanao made a grab for her glasses as the therapist reached over and neatly unhooked them from behind her ears. "You don't understand, Soujuku-san, I need them to see—"

"Exactly," Chiyuu agreed, and a wicked gleam entered her eyes. "You'll just have to rely on Shunsui-san's gallant chivalry to get around, won't you?"

Needless to say, Nanao was not thrilled with her new look, and her unhappiness only escalated when Chiyuu took away her hair-clip and let her tresses flow free.

"Don't give me that look," the shorter girl said placidly, opening up a drawer and placing the items inside. "I had to part with my ribbon to help Byakuya-san, and he had to lose his hair curl—er... kenseikan. I guarantee that you WILL survive." The drawer closed, and with it came the dreaded knowledge that Ise Nanao's fate was irrevocably sealed.

"Remember, your goal this week is to keep your captain happy!" Chiyuureminded herwith a cheerful smirk, placing her hands against Nanao's back and firmly pushing the vice-captain towards the door. "Have a good day and I'll see you in a week!" She released her to walk the rest of the way...

..And Nanao strode proudly into a wall.

**WHAM.** "..." **THUD.**

"Nanao-san! Are you okay? Nanao-san!"

Things were bound to become very entertaining this week.

**_---One Week Later---_**

Of all the possible people that could have been furious with her, Chiyuu thought to herself, it HAD to have been Shunsui. She honestly couldn't remember ever having seeing the captain angry before (unless one of his Division members was injured during Hollow patrol, or someone threatened Nanao), so she gave herself credit for merely raising an eyebrow and remaining seated behind her desk.

"What seems to be the problem, Shunsui-san?" She inquired, her face a perfect mask of blankness, devoid of curiosity. Byakuya would have been proud.

"What have you done to my Nanao-chan?" Shunsui wailed, gesturing to the blinking woman beside him (and keeping a firm grip on her arm so that she didn't walk into any more walls, or off any more roofs, or confuse Byakuya with Unohana; that had almost been disastrous). "This isn't my Nanao-chan at all! She's NOTHING like my Nanao-chan!"

Chiyuu simply blinked twice. "How so?"

Shunsui was more than happy to relate every single thing that made THIS Nanao different from his "Nanao-chan" and proceeded to list them off in great detail.

"She let me miss five meetings this week, she didn't say anything about drinking too much before noon, she filed and did all the paperwork without asking me to stamp or sign anything, she's a perfect lady, she GIGGLES when I call her Nanao-chan..."

"Taichou," Nanao interrupted.

He ignored her, his voice nowrising in an undulating pattern. "She didn't scold me for sleeping in, she does whatever I say without adding that she thinks it's utterly ridiculous—"

"Kyouraku-taichou!"

"She's blinder than Yama-jii without her glasses, and I can't leave her side because she'd walk off the edge of Seireitei without help!" His anger vanished, only to give way to the most pitiful, morose expression that Chiyuu had ever seen from a captain (and, quite frankly, never wanted to see again). "I want MY Nanao-chan baaaaaack, Chiyuu-chan! Where is she? What did you do with her?"

"I'm right here," Nanao told him, a little bit frustrated that he seemed determined to overlook the woman standing right by his side. "And I thought you WANTED me to become more ladylike, and stop reminding you to do things! I thought those activities were enjoyable to you, so I didn't do anything to prevent you from enjoying them!"

"Nanao-chan..." Shunsui looked at his vice-captain with mournful brown eyes. "It's only fun when you tell me NOT to do it!"

Nanao's eyebrow twitched very slightly, and Chiyuu had to look away for fear of being caught laughing. What an interesting relationship they had!

"And WHY is that fun, pray tell?" Nanao asked guardedly.

Shunsui had an answer for that too. "Because Nanao-chan is so cuuuuute when she's flustered and annoyed! Ah, it makes the heart peaceful to see her, face flushed with anger and eyes flashing like a storm!"

"Eh..." The therapist dug out the borrowed items, reuniting them with Nanao and hurriedly changing the subject before Nanao could make use of her newly- returned book and pound her captain into the ground with it. "Well, it looks as if Shunsui prefers the old you, Nanao-san. My mistake! Heehee... this is sort of embarrassing, since therapists aren't supposed to mess up like that, so..." She smacked her fist into the palm of her other hand, still grinning affably. "Let's switch things around, shall we? Now, Shunsui-san, it's _your _turn to be the type of captain that Nanao-san wants, okay? If she wants you to stop drinking, you stop drinking. If she wants you to go to your meetings, you do that. If she wants you to get together with the Eleventh Division and do a strip dance with Kurotsuchi-taichou and Byakuya-san for all of Seireitei, then you'd BETTER do it with a smile on your face and a spring in your step!"

That last line was met with astonished stillness—save for the small groan of disgust at the door.

"I thought so..." Chiyuu slipped out of her chair, headed for the door, and slid it open, looking up into the surprised face of Hisagi Shuuhei. "Shuuhei-kun, didn't anyone ever tell you that it's rude to eavesdrop when your own appointment isn't for another hour?"

Hisagi coughed and averted his eyes. "Yeah, well... just curious to see how the taichou and the fukutaichou were getting along."

"You could always ask them yourself," Chiyuu told him, rolling her eyes. "But just for the record, they've come to terms that Nanao-san didn't mean to cheat on Shunsui-san with Komamura-taichou, and they've resolved their differences and will be married next Saturday. You've been invited to be their flower girl, alongside Yumi-chan; I DO hope you can make it."

Before Hisagi could wipe the horrified stare from his face, Chiyuu slid the door shut, whirled around, and marched back to her desk with the air of a dignified noble.

"Shuuhei-kun tends to get bored these days, and seems to like passing the time by listening at the door. Please, don't mind him. I'll just have to add that to his therapy later. Anyway, Shunsui-san, you've been given your own therapy, so please feel free to follow through with it, and I'll see you next week!"

**_---Five Days Later---_**

Nanao didn't think she could bear it if this went on for another two days, so she found herself voluntarily stepping into the therapist's office—only to be confronted with a frazzled girl and five ducks wandering around the room.

"Nanao-san?" Chiyuu gasped, looking up from her epic battle to save her glasses (even though she never wore them) from the bill of Duck Vader, otherwise known as Waddle. She gave up the glasses as a lost cause, scooped up Steve as he made a beeline for the open door, and straightened, cradling the duck in her arms.

"Is this a bad time?" The woman questioned, allowing her eyes to take in the water fowl poking at her foot in a fascinated manner (that must have been Quack; he seemed to have a particular fondness for feet). She slid the door shut behind her and walked further in.

Chiyuu waited until the duck she was holding had quieted, then shook her head with a wry smile. "No, not really. Byakuya-san just dropped them by with a request that I watch them for the afternoon, as he has Hollow patrol and he doesn't think they would be suitable for such events." Again, her head swung from side to side. "Which, for him, means that he wants to look cool, but having five ducklings following you would most likely cause the Hollow to expire from laughter, and that would be quite awful for your pride. So I do what I can to help."

"I see..." Nanao said faintly. Byakuya asking for help seemed rather out of character for him, but she supposed when comparing a request for assistance to a Hollow laughing at you, he had chosen the lesser of the two evils.

"But I'm sure you didn't come to help me baby-sit," Chiyuu remarked, pausing to nudge Kuro off her chair and sitting down once her seat had been vacated. "What can I do for you, Nanao-san?"

Ah, yes. She had come here for a reason, after all, and Nanao launched into it without any hesitations or subtleties. "It's about Kyouraku-taichou. His entire personality has shifted into something unrecognizable, and it concerns me more than it should."

"How so?" The therapist posed the same question to Nanao as she had to Shunsui only last week.

"For these past five days, he hasn't touched a drop of sake. He goes to all meetings without me having to say a word. He finished the paperwork before I even had time to sit down and ask him to help. He calls me 'Ise-san', he doesn't flirt or sigh in a melodramatic manner or pat me on the head, and he hasn't worn his hat or his pink robe since we talked to you last!"

"And this... bothers you?" Chiyuu asked, looking perplexed. "But I thought this was how you wanted him to behave... you know, like a PROPER captain?"

"Being proper has never suited Kyouraku-taichou," Nanao sighed, before her eyes suddenly widened. "Although... perhaps this therapy has awakened him to the fact that he's perfectly capable of doing everything on his own. I thought I needed to tell him to do those things, but he's been doing it with no reminders whatsoever... he deserves a better vice-captain! What if he finds one? What if he never truly needed me at all? I—"

"Nanao-san," Chiyuu cut in gently, stroking Steve's head as he sat contentedly in her lap. "I suspect you're asking the wrong questions. I BELIEVE what you're trying to say is, 'What if he doesn't love me anymore?', correct?"

"Wh-what? _Love?_ Soujuku-san, I'm afraid I don't—"

"Stop right there," the therapist said sternly. "Don't play the idiot with me, Nanao-san. We both know that it won't work. Think about it, and what you just told me. You claimed that you wanted Shunsui-san to change, but now that he has, it frightens you. Despite yourself, you've grown fond of the lazy captain that calls you pet-names and has to be told to do things or else he won't... just like Shunsui-san loves the disciplined woman who pushes him to be better. When the two of you changed, your routine altered as well, and you found yourself on new, awkward ground with an absolute stranger." She sighed, one hand straying to her ponytail to tug on it disinterestedly. "Captains and vice-captains need to have some sort of relationship," she went on, her tone gentler now. "Be it respectful, mutual interest, friendly, or romantic, they need to have one. Yours with Shunsui-san tends to try to be everything at once: professional, romantic, silly, respectful... and it's hard at times to maintain a balance. But you've both done marvelously, without my help. All I needed to do was show you that you had that balance all along. Having too professional a relationship is boring and uncomfortable. Having too silly a relationship accomplishes nothing. Together, it's a beautiful thing."

_So then... all that time, when she was laughing about making mistakes... Soujuku-san had this planned all along._ That was almost too hard to grasp for Nanao, who exhaled quietly and rubbed at her forehead. "You wanted us to appreciate each other, didn't you? You were trying to show us that what we had wasn't necessarily a bad thing, and we had to change in order to realize that."

"Bingo!" Chiyuu said cheerfully. "That's _exactly _right! And while I don't expect you to run into Shunsui-san's arms, weeping and wailing about true love, you don't have to be afraid of it now. You love each other for who you are, and there's nothing better than that. So..." She grinned. "Need a wedding planner? I've never done it before, but I bet I could be of service!"

Nanao pushed her glasses up and fixed her with a stoic stare. "You are a very unusual girl," was her only comment as she turned and walked out, her eyes softening when she beheld her captain waiting outside of the office with her in full Shunsui regalia; this included the robe, the hat, and the slow, languid smile.

"Nanao-chan was sad, wasn't she?" He said, dropping his hand onto her head. "And I don't like to see my Nanao-chan sad! It makes me sad, too. So let's celebrate with some sake and a kiss to seal our looov—"

His dramatically puckered-up lips met Nanao's book cover and she brushed past him. "Kyouraku-taichou, it is unadvisable to be drinking this early," she tossed over her shoulder. "And this time, I would prefer any drunken saliva to remain inside your mouth, instead of over the documents on the new additions to the Division."

"So FRIGID, NANAO-CHAAAAAAAAAN!"

"You'd think they would have learned that their relationship was fine as it was, WITHOUT my help," Chiyuu muttered, placing Steve on the floor and leaning back in her chair. "Oh, well. Still, I can't believe Nanao-san told Shunsui-san to hit on Hitsugaya-taichou in a thong and he DID it!"

There was a groan. Followed by an "Oh, _SHIT_."

Abarai Renji and Kuchiki Byakuya, having just returned from Hollow eradication, paused to listen to the sweet sounds of someone getting his ass kicked.

"SHUUHEI-KUN, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT EAVESDROPPING?"

"Ow! That I should—stop it, already! I MEANT THE KICKING, NOT THE—SHIT! YOU PSYCHOTIC LITTLE KID, CUT IT OUT!"

"DON'T CALL ME A KID, SEMPAI!"

"They're probably setting a bad example for the children," Renji commented innocuously. "Aren't you worried, Kuchiki-taichou?"

Byakuya gave him The Look, and Renji knew that he'd be on Ducky Potty Patrol for the next week.

**---OOC---**

Yes, it's a strange chapter, but gimme a break, I'm in college now, and I don't have as much time to update anymore. Just wait til Winter break… -evil grin- And besides, the Internet's down now, so might as well wait type this while I wait. Thanks for waiting, please review, and you guys all rock. And to NightKat01 who put Chiyuu in her fic, that was really very nice of you and I'm very flattered! Thanks so much!

Trivia of the Chapter: Chiyuu was actually in Shunsui's Division first, before she was transferred to the Fourth Division. She and Hisagi also quarreled a lot back at the Academy.

Up next is Hinamori Momo, and then Kurosaki Ichigo! Yes, you DID read that right.


	7. Hinamori Momo

Another week (or so) and Kia returns with a vengeance! Or something… and no, to anyone who is curious, I'm not a male. We just had a misunderstanding, but the author of this fic remains happily female, thank you very much. 

So, after all of the subtle Hinamori torture, it's now time to call her forward! That's right, it's Momo's turn and we're just SO excited to have her! Aizen fans, you may want to bring tissues. And, er… beware the chaos and remember, kiddies! Eavesdropping is bad!

**Disclaimer:** I only own Chiyuu… and the ducks, because I love them too much not to write them in again. If I owned Bleach, there would so be more Urahara kick-ass action. Spoilers for Chapter 173 and onward, or so I believe. Beware cursing, OOC!Momo, and so much strangeness you'd think you'd walked onto the set of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This chapter is dedicated to Gal, for all her help.

* * *

"No, Hitsu-chan, you are NOT allowed to accompany Hina-chan inside, got it?" Two equally-short shinigami held each other in a fierce gaze, neither backing down, and the female added, "Not that I don't appreciate you coming with her, since she's still... recovering, but a therapy session is one-on-one and _that _means you can't come in with her."

Hitsugaya folded his arms across his chest and sighed, wanting to mention that she had quite happily done a session with the Eight Division captain and vice-captain only two days ago, but then Chiyuu would most likely respond that it was to strengthen their love, or some other sappy and romantic reason that would only serve to make him embarrassed. So he acquiesced.

"Fine. But I'm warning you, if you make her cry--"

"You'll glare at me and make me want to retire early, I know, I know," Chiyuu cut in. "Unfortunately, I can't promise that she won't cry. It's beneficial. But, if I'm not mistaken, my patient is here, so you'll have to excuse me. Have a good day, Hitsu-chan!"

"Stop _calling_ me that." When she made no reply, only waved at him, Hitsugaya dragged himself out of her office, meeting the large brown eyes of Hinamori Momo as she passed him. She gave him a fleeting, trembling smile and then disappeared into the office. The door slid shut.

And it was then that Hitsugaya noticed a miniscule crack between the door and the wooden frame.

He was protecting Hinamori, he told himself, struggling with his conscience before caving and kneeling on the floor to press his ear against the space. This was only one end to the means.

"Hinamori Momo-chan, was it?" Chiyuu greeted Hinamori with a smile from behind her desk. "It's so nice to meet you! I've heard a lot of good things about you from Hitsu-chan and everyone!"

"Ah... thank you very much, Chiyuu-san." Hinamori bowed her head and took her seat, staring down at her hands. "Well... I suppose you must know why I'm here."

"Let's just say I've got a pretty good idea." The therapist ducked under her desk for a moment, reemerging with a file clenched in her hand. "Ah, here we go," she murmured, opening it and glancing down. "Hinamori Momo, vice-captain of the Fifth Division, recently awoken from a coma induced from a stab wound and severe shock, courtesy of Aizen Sousuke... turned her sword against Hitsugaya Toushirou after breaking out from the retention cell..." She let out a low whistle, shaking her head. "Listen to me and listen carefully, because I'll only say this once and it's going to hurt you and you may cry, but you need to hear this. Hina-chan..." Brown eyes met brown eyes as Chiyuu solemnly uttered, "Do you trust me? It's the only way I can help you."

Still, Hinamori hesitated, her hands now nervously twisting and scrunching the black fabric covering her lap. The therapist was giving a choice: avoid the painful truth and remain in a rut for the rest of her days, or accept it and face forward. Hitsugaya couldn't shield her this time, no matter how much he adamantly declared that she had done nothing to be blamed for. No, she had to deal with it on her own and she swallowed harshly, nodding.

Chiyuu kept her eyes fixed on the other girl's face, observing indecision war with desperation and (not for the first time) wished there could have been another way to go about this. She was a therapist, however, and she had to go through with it. If Hinamori could be brave enough to accept it, then she had to be brave enough to speak the truth.

"You idolized your captain, didn't you?" Her words were low and soft, but served the purpose of startling Hinamori from her trance. "You were very happy when you entered his division and you worked tirelessly to rise to the rank of vice-captain. You were so focused on Aizen that you completely glossed over the attention of another captain who cared for you more than your own ever could. Aizen was a father and a mentor to you and you were devastated by his death, so much that you attacked Ichimaru Gin and your own friend Izuru-kun and, if it hadn't been for Hitsu-chan, you most likely would have died. You were arrested and taken away, but even being jailed didn't stop you. Rangiku-san unwittingly handed you the letter that caused you to spiral downwards into confusion, but neither she nor her captain were to blame for that. You trusted the words of someone you worshipped blindly and, as a result of that, your sense of loyalty was torn asunder and you pointed your sword at your best friend and most trusted person, which pretty much not only broke your heart, but his as well."

Hinamori's eyes were already misting and she wanted to break the girl's steady gaze and look away, but the fact that she needed to hear this kept her firmly rooted in her seat. How vividly she remembered the stunned expression on Hitsugaya's face and the pained look in his eyes as he tried so frantically to get her to listen to reason. Instead, she had just released her agony and grief in a wild scream and a disoriented attack... and, eventually, he'd had to lash out at her to save them both. Even after that, she had still believed he'd killed Aizen, harboring confusion and distrust so deeply imbedded in her heart that she feared it would never fully dissipate.

Chiyuu waited for another moment, then went on. "Hitsu-chan fought Gin because he inadvertently made you bleed and, if it hadn't been for Rangiku-san's intervention, Shinsou would have killed you. Hitsu-chan took you back, but you woke up and followed him, right? And you became even more confused with the Central 46 affair. Not only that, but you got to see your beloved captain again, and he stabbed you." Hearing a muffled sob from her patient, her brow crinkled slightly. "And I don't think you heard the whole story, since Unohana-taichou told me that Hitsu-chan had requested she withhold the information from you, but Hitsu-chan came across you and attacked Aizen in a rage. He summoned his Bankai, but Aizen took him down in one slash before he was even attacked. He almost died, Hina-chan."

Three things happened simultaneously. Hinamori burst into tears, Chiyuu let out a squeak and fumbled for a handkerchief, and Hitsugaya kicked down the door.

"Ahhhh, Hitsu-chan, my DOOR!" The therapist, now handing Hinamori a handkerchief, whirled around and glared at him. "What did it ever do to you, huh?"

Hitsugaya placed a foot on top of the poor, battered door, his eyes flashing. "You had no RIGHT to tell her about that!" He yelled furiously. "She was better off not knowing and now you made her cry!"

"Well, it's a good thing you already went through therapy or I'd be dead now, wouldn't I?" Chiyuu retorted, placing her hands on her hips as Hinamori mopped at her eyes. "You honestly think she was better off not knowing everything? You think you were HELPING her, Hitsu-chan? Get this straight: I can't help _any _of my patients if they don't know the full truth and are willing to commit to getting better, understand? She had to cry eventually. It's part of the healing process; she'll be all right soon, so kindly remove yourself from my office before I make you put that door back up."

"What makes you think--" The captain began heatedly, but Hinamori interrupted him.

"It's all right, Hitsugaya-kun... I DID need to hear that." She gulped quietly, eyes still red from her weeping session. "Chiyuu-san? Can you... help me...?"

"Like Kenpachi-kun loves fighting and fine dining!" She was quickly assured. "Fret not, Hina-chan! On my honor as a therapist, I swear you _will _be helped!"

"You_ have_ no honor," Hitsugaya muttered, and then yelped as Chiyuu very calmly stomped on his foot.

"I'm not the one who was eavesdropping," she replied. "See you tomorrow, Hina-chan! And Hitsu-chan, if you do that again, I'll ask Rangiku-san to tell everyone what it is you mumble in your sleep when you conk out at your desk. Enjoy the rest of the day, taichou."

Hitsugaya grumbled something under his breath as he left, vowing that he'd make the therapist pay dearly if Hinamori was scarred for life by the end of the week.

**_---Day Two of Seven---_**

"Er... what is that?" Hinamori eyed the stuffed figure mounted on a stick and then the shinigami who was affixing a pair of black glasses to the goofily-smiling face.

"Huh? Oh!" Chiyuu fluffed up the brown cotton on top of the lolling head, draped a captain's coat over the body, and stood back to proudly survey her handiwork, ponytail bobbing as she nodded approvingly. "It's your captain."

Now Hinamori was SURE she had missed something. "My... _huh_?"

"It's an Aizen dummy," the therapist explained. "See, you idolized Aizen, like I said yesterday, and the best way for you to get over him is to beat him up! He beat you up, he beat Hitsu-chan up, and he lied to everyone. In fact, if this wasn't for your sake, I'd beat him up myself!" With a huffy sigh, she crossed her arms over her chest. "So feel free to take your frustrations out on this guy. It's great for relieving stress! I'll act as his voice."

"A-ah... okay..." Hinamori was still confused, but obediently stood in front of the dummy, staring blankly into its beaming button eyes.

Chiyuu cupped her hands around her mouth, ducking behind the Aizen reject and lowering her voice to ridiculous levels. "Hello, Hinamori-kun!" She boomed. "I'm your captain and I have no nose, so obviously I can't smell how I rotten I am! Ohohohoho, I like to cause pain and screw with your mind!"

Hinamori bit her lip, then punched the dummy in the chest. It was a feeble attempt and she didn't feel any better.

"Oh, yes, and I almost forgot to tell you that after I stabbed you, I stabbed Hitsugaya-kun too! That was fun! And I smashed my glasses so I could look sinfully hot and I tricked everyone! Ohohohoho, I am so awesome! Come give me a hug!"

_Hitsugaya-kun..._ Hinamori's hand balled into a fist and this time, she shot her fist straight at the dummy's head. The head rocked back, and Chiyuu nodded to herself. Good, she was getting angry.

"And I kick puppies and Gin and I enjoy molesting little boys and I groped all the girls in the Fourth Division! You were fun to toy with too, Hinamori-kun--"

The vice-captain snapped. He had hurt her and her loved ones enough and she'd finally realized and come to terms with the fact that he was no longer the man she adored and looked up to. He was a murderer, a liar, and a traitor and she would show him no mercy. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She flew at the dummy in a fury and, when pummeling it didn't satisfy her enough, she drew Tobiume.

_SCHWING _went Aizen-dummy's head.

**BOOM **went the rest of his body and three-quarters of Chiyuu's bookshelf.

The therapist mourned the loss of some of her favorite books and the loss of anything else in advance as she cowered under her desk. She'd meant for Hinamori to punch and kick the dummy a few times,_ not_ try to decimate her office.

"Hina-chan, I need that vase! I really do!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" **_CRASH._**

"... Okay, maybe not. But I really like that one!"

Thirty minutes later, Chiyuu crawled out from under her desk once Mad Avenger Momo had calmed down sufficiently and she was positive there was nothing left of Aizen to destroy.

The dummy lay in shreds on the floor, scattered pitifully around the feet of one heavily-panting shinigami, and Chiyuu knelt to pick up a shattered lens from the short-lived glasses. Aizen's button eyes were nowhere to be found, but she knew she'd have to look for them eventually before one of the ducklings ate them. She just didn't think Byakuya would buy "Your child choked on Aizen's eyes" as a good excuse for the death of a ducky.

"Somehow," she commented ruefully, clapping Hinamori on the shoulder, "I don't expect my Aizen toys to live long. Really, you should've seen what Hitsu-chan did to his plushie--although, you have to admit that Aizen DOES look better without a head, wouldn't you say so?"

Hinamori blinked, her eyes clearing. The stick the dummy had perched on teetered and fell over, burnt black. The biggest chunk of the Aizen dummy remaining was the corner of a smile and she stepped on that.

"Hm, I'd have to agree with you there..."

The two girls exchanged looks, then giggled--until Chiyuu saw the charred lump of what had been the captain's robe in the corner and cringed in dismay.

"Oops, I borrowed that... maybe I can get another one before he gets back..."

"...From my visit to the estate?"

Chiyuu flinched and slowly turned around, looking up into the marble-like countenance of Kuchiki Byakuya with a nervous smile. "Ah... Byakuya-san... welcome back!"

The captain looked as stoic as ever, wearing his usual robes and kenseikan... but minus one crucial addition to the uniform.

"I believe that would be my robe currently smoking over there, would it not?" He inquired, glancing at the remnants of his once-proud and pristine symbol of his rank.

"U-um... well, you see... it was all for Hina-chan's sake... your coat had to be sacrificed for the good of Aizen's destruction... um... I'llget you a new one?" She broke off as Byakuya kept staring at her, then suddenly grabbed Hinamori's hand and took off running.

"Chiyuu-san, where are we going?" Hinamori gasped, chancing a glance over her shoulder and seeing Byakuya still standing there, looking intently at them. His gaze would have succeeded in frightening her senseless--if not for the five quacking ducklings perched on and around his feet that completely ruined the effect.

"Far,_ far_ away until Byakuya-san doesn't want to kill me anymore! Hitsu-chan, Shuuhei-kun, I'd run!" She threw this tidbit of advice over her shoulder as she dashed past the two males, a baffled Hinamori in tow. "AND STOP TRYING TO EAVESDROP!"

Hitsugaya glanced over at the motionless noble, then at Hisagi. "..."

"Pft..." The vice-captain shrugged, although he discreetly reached up to finger his still-swollen nose from the LAST time Chiyuu had caught him listening in on her sessions. "Don't _know_ what she's talking about," he said airily. "Honestly, she's paranoid."

Hitsugaya said nothing more, merely rolled his eyes.

**_---Day Three of Seven---_**

"For the rest of the week, you are not allowed to say Aizen's name under ANY circumstance," Chiyuu instructed her wide-eyed patient. "While we've already gotten you to beat him to a ripped fabric and cottony pulp, you still think about him, don't you?"

Hinamori shook her head wordlessly, but the look in her eyes told an entirely different tale and that was the one the therapist chose to believe.

"He'll haunt you if you don't make a conscious effort to stop thinking about him, either the captain you thought you knew or the man who betrayed his fellow shinigami... so! Every time you say his name, not only will you get whacked by Yours Truly, but you will also have to yell out... ummm..." She paused, letting an idea formulate before she leaned over to whisper something in Hinamori's ear--which abruptly turned just as red as her face.

"WHAAAAAAAT? I... I-I can't say that!"

Chiyuu winked (and botched it rather badly, although Hinamori didn't mention it). "It was either that or kiss the person closest to you, be it male or female, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to mention Aizen's name in front of Kenpachi-kun, now would you?"

The red receded like a rocket, only to be replaced by a faint green tinge. "I..."

The therapist burst out laughing. "I'm _kidding!_ Calm down, Hina-chan, I wouldn't make you do that!"

A very relieved Momo heaved a sigh, one hand on her chest. "That's good to kn--"

"After all, Unohana-taichou doesn't like anyone kissing Kenpachi-kun but her, and her revenge tactics are quite ingenious," Chiyuu added very seriously.

"Hina-chan, that was another joke. Well, not really... I mean, I'm sure Unohana-taichou would _prefer_ it if no one else kissed him, but I don't think she'd seek revenge for--Hina-chan, you're swaying a little bit too far le--"

**THUD.**

"Hina-chan, hang in there, I'll--Hitsu-chan, she's not hurt, so don't you DARE break down my door again!" Chiyuu's head whipped around to focus on the door as she struggled to lift the dazed vice-captain off the floor. "Or I'll--Hina-chan, wake up!"

Outside the door, Hitsugaya swallowed and slowly backed away. His concern for Hinamori was great, but Chiyuu was a healer; his childhood friend would be fine... and he wanted to keep what little dignity he had left.

**_---Day Four of Seven---_**

They were in a vice-captains' meeting and talking amongst themselves about who would take over the three recently-vacated captain roles in Divisions Three, Five, and Nine when Hinamori accidentally said the one thing she wasn't supposed to say.

"I don't think I could be the kind of captain that Aizen-taichou was--OW!" She winced as Renji gave her a good, solid thump on the head, peering up at him with teary eyes. "Abarai-kun, that_ hurt_!"

"It was supposed to," he told her with a "I-worry-about-your-logic-sometimes" eye-roll. "Soujuku's not a vice-captain and couldn't come to the meeting, so she asked me to hit you if you said his name and make sure you do the rest."

"But I wouldn't want her to be that sort of captain, either," Matsumoto objected, giving the smaller girl a pitying glance.

"Tch. Doesn't matter." Renji tugged annoyingly at his hair band. "She was thinking of him as a good captain and that's shit."

"Still, I don't think..." Matsumoto and Renji began to bicker and Hinamori inhaled and exhaled rapidly until Nemu quietly asked her if she was going to hyperventilate and, in that case, if medical assistance would be needed.

"DAMMIT!" Hinamori suddenly blurted out to a room that had just gone completely and deathly silent.

Nanao looked faintly disapproving, Matsumoto and Isane looked completely and utterly shocked (although the former was starting to grin), Hisagi snickered into his fist, Nemu's face remained perfectly blank, Iba did a double-take to see if the very gentle girl who'd never cursed in her life had just said that word, Kira swayed in pure astonishment and Renji wondered if their therapist had gone insane. Or maybe Hinamori had finally just snapped.

"Umm... Hinamori-san, I understand that life's been a bit hectic for you lately," Isane began hesitantly. "But is it really necessary to use that word?"

"Oh, no..." Hinamori pressed her hands to her flaming cheeks. "It's just... Chiyuu-san told me that was what I should say if I said Aizen-tai--ow!-- SHIT!" She then began to wave her arms about as if she were doing interpretive dance. "Nonono, I didn't mean that, it was just an example to remind me that I shouldn't say Aize--OWWWWW--FUCKING HELL!"

It only got worse. Poor Hinamori kept trying to explain herself and thus kept uttering Aizen's name, which only resulted in getting whapped and letting loose with a string of cursing so profuse in its ferocity that Isane and Nanao had their hands pressed to their ears, Hisagi and Renji cheered her on and Kira was curled up in a fetal position in the corner, having been there since, "I'M BEDWETTER MOMO, BITCH!"

They all had to admit, however, that this had to be the most memorable vice-captains' meeting ever.

**_---Day Six out of Seven---_**

"It's progress," Chiyuu assured Hinamori. "And you've said his name less, haven't you?"

She thought it over and was somewhat surprised to realize that after the whole meeting chaos, she hadn't said Aizen's name or even though about him for the rest of the day. It was progress, indeed, and Hinamori nodded with a small smile flickering onto her face.

"So then, we're working on your assertiveness today!" Chiyuu cleared a few files from her desk and nodded, wresting a folder from the bill of the ever-mischievous Kuro (she was stuck with duck-sitting duty again). "This, in short, means finding those who have treated you like a doormat and telling them how you really feel about it... for starters, has anyone talked down to you recently?"

"Umm... well..." Hinamori fidgeted. "Those who do have ended up in the infirmary and I don't know why... but sometimes Abarai-kun treats me like a child and a member of Soi Fong-taichou's division shoved me the other day..."

Chiyuu could have easily told her why those people were getting maimed, but she knew Hitsugaya was probably listening in again, so she wisely kept her silence and nodded encouragingly.

"Then you have to let them know that you don't like it. You're a vice-captain, Hina-chan! You can fight back! You have power, too, and it's time for you to let it shine through!"

_A Bit Later..._

Hinamori, after a bit of prompting, had finally spoken up when the same Second Division member had purposely jostled her shoulder when he passed her in the hallway; in fact, she had spoken so brusquely about being more careful next time and respecting vice-captains (all said with a peaceful smile) that the man had apologized and rushed off, deciding that Hinamori Momo was no longer an easy target.

And Renji's confrontation had been... interesting. He'd been striding around in his lovely pink kimono, avoiding Rikichi (who'd been tailing him like a groupie lately), and sweet, shy little Hinamori had come racing over to him and said a stern monologue very breathlessly.

"Abarai-kun, I'd just like to say that I graduated the same time you did and although I'm very short, I'm still a vice-captain, just like you, so kindly don't condescend to me as if I'm some sort of irrational child because I'm not and if you make fun of my nickname again, I'll... hit you!"

"WHOO!" A tall, black-haired girl from the Fourth Division yelled as her squad strolled past, thrusting a fist into the air as proud homage to Hinamori. "Way to break it to him, Hinamori-fukutaichou!"

Chiyuu grinned, waving to the girl as Renji muttered something about "crazy Fourth Division brats". He then switched his attention back to Hinamori and smirked. "So that's what you were glaring at me for? Hell, I'll stop messing with you. And, y'know, this is more like you. I remember at the Academy how argumentative and stubborn you were with me and Kira, and now you let anyone and everyone walk all over you. You bring it upon yourse--ACKKKKK!"

From the rooftops descended the Fatal Fury, The White-Haired Wonder, the Tamer of Dragons, the Protector of Hinamori Momo and the shortest captain alive: Hitsugaya Toushirou! And his hapless victim was none other than the oblivious Abarai Renji, who quickly became more aware as Hitsugaya crashed into him and began to aim punches at his face and chest.

"Don't you pick on Hinamori!"

"GET OFF ME, YOU DAMN BRAT!"

"Hitsugaya-TAICHOU! SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, ABARAI!"

Hinamori and Chiyuu observed the (somewhat pointless) brawl, shaking their heads until Chiyuu finally moved her waddling charges out of the way with her foot and shouted, "Hey... HEY! I did NOT put you two through therapy so I could schedule more appointments for you because YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY IN GREAT NEED OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP! Are you even listening to me? OH GATHER YE ROUND AND I'LL SING THIS SONG TWICE, OF TWO MORONS WHO ACT LIKE MONKEYS ON ICE--"

That got the job done and the two broke apart, glaring at each other. The short shinigami sighed and straightened her sleeves, giving them both a reprimanding stare and reminding herself to make a "Ballad of Abarai Renji and Hitsugaya Toushirou" when she got some time off.

"Well, Hina-chan, I'm proud to say that your week is almost complete and you are well on the road to recovery. It'll be tough at times, but you have good friends who will watch your back and you now know that you're no longer under Aizen's shadow. Please come see me tomorrow morning, because I have some very interesting things to tell you about Hitsu-chan and the people who wound up in the infirmary and his feelings for you and how he's been trying to eavesdrop whenever you go visit me because he's worried I might make you cry! At this moment, however, I have to start getting ready, since I'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon."

Hinamori bowed, taking Chiyuu's hand in hers. "Thank you very much," she told her fervently. "You've helped me so much, Chiyuu-san!" She didn't say anything about Hitsugaya, just glanced his way and smiled... and then colored and looked away at the strange, almost-gentle expression on his face (which was rapidly turning embarrassed, due to Chiyuu's accurate comments). "Anyway... I hope you have a good trip!"

"Huh?" Hisagi, on his way back to his own Division, paused and sidled closer to note with interest that both Hitsugaya and Hinamori were blushing slightly and looking everywhere but at each other. He'd have to tease them later. "Going somewhere, Soujuku?"

"Yep!" The therapist answered cheerfully. 'I'm going to the human world to deal with some very special cases... and the first one is... ah! Kurosaki Ichigo!"

Renji choked... and far, _far _away, Ichigo sneezed and wondered if he was getting a cold.

_**---OOC---**_

Ten pages? O.o Huh, didn't imagine it'd be that long… at ANY rate, sorry this took so long, I had a bit of a predicament with things and being distracted and schoolwork and misunderstandings, so there you go. Please review, even if it IS to tell me how much I suck and up next is Kurosaki Ichigo, followed by an Ishida Uryuu/Inoue Orihime chapter. That's right, Chiyuu's headed off to Karakura next chapter! Be afraid, citizens… be very afraid.

And no, I have not actually devised a "Ballad of Abarai Renji and Hitsugaya Toushirou", but I bet I'm going to have to soon. XD


	8. Kurosaki Ichigo

Okay, lemme clarify this right here and now. I've said I'm planning to do everyone. That includes Urahara, Rukia, Hisagi, the Kurotsuchis, and a whole ton of other shinigami that you might be able to think of. But I'm going off a list here, so you're all going to have to wait for a certain chapter. And no, I'm not going to give you a whole list of who comes after who, so please be patient. 

Thanks to everyone for their reviews and I'm SO sorry that it took me this long, but (as I'm sure I've said before) college is a bit time-consuming and usually I'm too exhausted afterwards to churn out therapist-style crack. Regardless of what you may have been led to believe, I do not spend every waking hour working feverishly on this sort of madness. Thank you for being patient. This chapter belongs to Ichigo, so kindly pray for his soul. Spoilers for Soul Society and BEYOND that (like Rukia's zanpakutou), spanning up to the current chapters (204 or so), so be warned: DO NOT READ if you don't want to be spoiled.

This lovely chapter is dedicated to D-chan for her cute art totally inspiring me to finally get cracking on this and my DO crew for patiently listening to me gripe about the chapter and cheering me on regardless. They say you own the chapter... HA. THE CHAPTER OWNS YOU. Er, me? Yes, well, we had to cooperate. A lot. Hoo!

I own no one, sans Chiyuu and le ducklets. If I owned Bleach, "Barbie Girl" would play whenever Mayuri had an appearance.

* * *

"Um. Excuse me... Orange-san? Can you tell me where the counseling office is?" 

Kurosaki Ichigo stared down at the pony-tailed girl in his school's uniform, who smiled innocently up at him. She couldn't have been much taller than Rukia, and her arms were firmly wrapped around at least ten manila folders and a few notebooks. He couldn't recall having ever seen her around here before; a new student, perhaps?

"Uh, yeah... but you were walking the wrong way." He took her by the shoulders and turned her around, pointing down the hallway. "Third door on your right."

She fidgeted, tugging down her skirt slightly. "Could you show me the way, please? I get lost so easily..."

As far as Ichigo knew, it took a great deal of skill to get lost in an area of no more than fifteen feet, but he humored her with a grumble, shoving his hands in his pockets and heading for the office. "Come on, then," he tossed over his shoulder, and heard her giggle before she ran after him.

He really should have suspected something when he opened the door for her and she all but pushed him inside, putting her back to the door and reaching behind her to close it.

Then she LOCKED it and Ichigo got the feeling that he was royally screwed.

"It's nice to finally be able to meet you, Orange-san," she said lightly, as if she hadn't just sealed him inside an office and wasn't blocking the door with arms and legs outstretched to either side of her body.

Ichigo scowled at her. "I'm not an orange. Move."

"No," she mused, not budging from her spot. "You're more like a strawberry, aren't you, Ichigo-san?"

"... What?"

Now the girl looked panicked, hopping from one foot to the other like a hyperactive flamingo. "You ARE Kurosaki Ichigo, aren't you? I'd hate to have done all of that research for nothing, especially when Waddle kept trying to eat my notes and you don't look THAT different from when I saw you last, but maybe you have a twin?"

Research? Notes? _Waddle_? Who _was _this girl? Ichigo gave his head a shake and grabbed her by the shoulders, holding her in place. "I didn't understand about half of that, but how the hell did you know my name and why are you studying me?" Was she like Hirako? Was she, too, trying to convert him to their side? "Look, whatever it is, I already told your buddy I wasn't going to join him, so stop bothering me!"

"My buddy? Studying you?" She gave him a bemused glance. "You're not making much sense, Ichigo-san."

"NEITHER ARE YOU."

"Then let's start over." She waited patiently until Ichigo had released her, then pointed to herself. "I'm Soujuku Chiyuu of the Fourth Division, and I'm your therapist and counselor for the rest of this week!"

"... You're my WHAT? But you're... you're a kid!"

Yep. Royally screwed.

"Is it really that hard to believe that I'm your counselor for the week?" The short girl looked at him with a wry smile. "I'm not as young as I look, Ichigo-san."

Ichigo didn't say anything. Ichigo COULDN'T say anything. Ichigo was too busy choking on the foot he'd inserted in his mouth.

"Oh, and we're going to have to do something about you skipping class to fight Hollows," she continued smoothly, tugging on her ribbon. "Honestly, you think Rukia-chan would have taught you that."

"... What the hell ARE you?"

"Your therapist," the condemner repeated. "Oh, don't look at me like that; you're a shinigami, I'm a shinigami and, _as _a shinigami, it's my duty to help other shinigami with their problems."

"I don't _have_ any problems!" Ichigo snapped, bristling at what he felt was an implied offense. "You're wasting your time here!"

Chiyuu didn't bother flinching. "I never waste my time," she assured him. "I'm here because you need help. And before you glare at me again and tell me you don't need help and go away before you lose your temper..."

Ichigo turned away, already determined to ignore her.

"I know that you have a Hollow inside of you."

His determination swiftly changed to shock and he whirled back around, brown eyes boring into hers. "How do you know about that?" He hissed, his mind still racing to catch up with his mouth. She'd said she was a shinigami and he felt her muted spiritual pressure now, so she wasn't lying. However, it didn't explain how she knew about the other presence inside of him.

"You traveled with Yamada Hanatarou-kun during your visit to Soul Society, didn't you?" Chiyuu spoke up, almost as if she had sensed his bafflement. "He's in my Division and he told me about the cracked Hollow mask that he'd found with you. Not only that, but Kuchiki Byakuya-san mentioned a startling change in you when you fought him that had nothing to do with your Bankai. You became a different person entirely and the mask had returned. It wasn't that hard to figure out once I heard that." When Ichigo gaped at her, she shrugged lightly and added, "When you're a therapist, you tend to hear a lot of things from your patients." _Whether they're forced or not..._ "Some of it's trivial, like how Byakuya-san is actually a good mother and very protective of his children or that Ren-kun occasionally steals Rukia-chan's Chappy doll to sleep with, but other tidbits are more vital than you may realize. Your Hollow case is one of them."

"...Wait, Byakuya's a MOM?"

"Of five!" The therapist chirped, grinning up a storm. "And they're all very good swimmers!"

"Except their socializing skills still need a little work. Quack still likes sitting on people's feet and Kanoko's somewhat vicious towards Ikkaku-kun. She's bitten him twice in the past week... although I think that's because she's been hanging out with Yachiru-chan."

What kind of psychotic mother would name their child QUACK? Actually... Ichigo shuddered. The fact that Byakuya was a mother at _all _was disturbing enough.

Chiyuu suddenly clapped her hands, making him start and look at her suspiciously. "Well, that's it for now; I'm probably keeping you from an educational experience, so on with you! I'll see you after school!" She unlocked the door and stepped away from it, gesturing him out with a very dramatic flourish of her arm. "Bye-bye, Ichigo-san!"

She expected to see him after school? He'd rather skip through a field of pansies and butterflies hand-in-hand with Ishida, complete with dorky giggling, than lay eyes on that strange therapist ever again.

Unfortunately, he had no clue about the type of person he was dealing with. Soujuku Chiyuu's motto was "Perseverance" (that, and, "There's nothing wrong with a little humiliation"), and she wasn't about to let him get away that easily.

The instant the bell rang, signaling their liberation from class, Ichigo shoved himself out of his desk and hurried out of the classroom with a terse "Bye" in response to the questioning stares of his friends.

The sight of the short girl with the long ponytail waiting outside of the school gates made his blood freeze in his veins. Maybe if he took a different exit... or pretended he hadn't seen her...

"Ichigo-saaan!" Doom spotted him and came traipsing towards him, as happy as a prancing pony, or whatever simile one might use to describe the unholy glee on the face of such a nasty entity.

_... Oh, SHIT._

"If I didn't know any better, I would've thought you were trying to avoid me," Chiyuu remarked sweetly once she had reached him, rocking back and forth on her heels. "But I told you I'd see you after school, didn't I? Silly Strawberry-san!"

Dammit, weren't all Fourth Division members supposed to be whimpering wusses like Hanatarou? This one had enough of an attitude to land herself among the crazies in the Eleventh Division (she seemed to have the "stupid nickname" aspect of their vice-captain down pat, as well).

Ichigo groaned, rubbing his forehead. "What'll it take to get you to go away?"

"Therapy." Then, after a pensive pause, "Or I suppose you _could_ ask politely, and I might decide to leave on my own."

The two shinigami locked eyes... and Chiyuu giggled. "But that would make things too easy for you, and I've discovered that when things are easy, it means you're not improving. Look, Ichigo-san, I didn't come all the way down here just to make your life miserable. I came here to help you. Can't you trust me just a little bit? The sooner we complete your therapy, the sooner I can leave and make sure Shuuhei-kun hasn't torched my office or Byakuya-san hasn't tried putting curlers in duck feathers yet. Really, I think that'd be some form of animal abuse, because I don't think you can curl feathers without causing pain to the bird..."

"Ah--wait--you--" Ichigo's headache had returned. "Damn it, slow down for a minute! What're you--"

"We're starting your therapy now," Chiyuu told him crisply. "If I keep trying to explain things, I think that confused scowl on your face would freeze there and that would wreak havoc on your love life, nonexistent as it may be. We have one week to handle this." Before Ichigo could get out another word, she had grabbed him by the wrist and hauled him after her with considerable strength.

"Ow! Let go! What the hell? Where're you taking me, you maniac?"

The therapist didn't loosen her death-grip on his hand as she sped up. "We're going to bond with your family, your mod soul, and your blade, we're going to talk about some important issues, and we're going to do it all... once I figure out where your house is. Ne, Ichigo-san, do I take a left or a right here?"

"...Or do I need to ask Urahara-san about the time you woke up with Tessai on top of you and the circumstances leading up to tha--"

"LEFT! TAKE A LEFT!"

* * *

"I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN SUNSHIIIIINE!" Keigo and Isshin warbled along with Julie Andrews, while Rukia, Yumichika, Chiyuu, Mizuiro, and Yuzu hummed along quietly and Karin and Ichigo sat mutely on the couch, brought together by their abject horror. 

_"I want to help you,"_ she had said._ "Bond with your family,"_ she had said.

"I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN RAIIIIIN!" Renji and Ikkaku took up the challenge to bellow even louder, both of them grinning like fools and not giving a damn that two of Soul Society's biggest punks were singing along with a movie that musically spoke of personified HILLS and lonely goatherds.

That damned therapist had never said ANYTHING about watching the Sound of Music with a bunch of shinigami-turned classmates and classmates alike who had just invited themselves over for no particular reason(although Ichigo could have sworn he'd heard Renji mutter something about getting his very own Ballad).

This wasn't bonding. This was very unique torture that could only be contrived by an evil mind. A _very evil_ mind.

"Come on, Rukia-chan, you and the others sing too!" Isshin encouraged, beaming broadly and slinging an arm over Karin's shoulders—which resulted in her yelling at him to back off and flinging him over the couch.

"I have confidence that spring will come again..." Rukia sang hesitantly, looking up at Yuzu to see if she'd sung it right.

The youngest Kurosaki sibling rewarded her with a nod and a big smile. "Bunnies come in spring!"

"Bunnies?" Rukia perked up.

The drama continued.

"MY LITTLE GIRL HAS GROWN UP! DADDY HAS DREAMED OF THIS DAY FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW! THE LOVING STING OF KARIN'S FEMININE FOOT UPON MY RUGGED FEATURES--"

"Shut up and die!"

"This is rather beautiful in its poignancy," Yumichika mused to Chiyuu, who smiled proudly at him and patted his hand.

"BESIDES WHICH, YOU SEE--"

"Take it away, Ichigo!" Keigo yelled, making everyone turn towards the orange-haired teen expectantly.

Ichigo sat frozen... until Chiyuu scooped a pillow off the floor and hurled it at his head, just as Ikkaku and Renji gave him challenging grins.

"Besides which, you see," Yuzu repeated softly, gazing up at her big brother.

"I have confidence in me," he grumbled, unable to resist the three-way attack.

"YAAAAAAAAAAY, ICHIGO!"

"Someone recorded that, right? PLEASE tell me someone recorded that!"

"ICHIGO! JOIN YOUR FATHER ON THE FLOOR FOR TRUE MUSICAL BONDING! COME INTO DADDY'S OPEN EMBRACE!"

He was going to kill them ALL.

_---Day Two of Seven---_

"Mod souls deserve a lot of appreciation, too," Chiyuu stated, plopping herself on Ichigo's bed and giving his room a sparing glance. "They didn't have the start that the shinigami or the humans do, but they're still alive. They didn't deserve to be destroyed like that... but I'm glad yours survived. He's so cute!"

"...You're kidding me." Ichigo raised an eyebrow at the gleefully cackling plushie with his face currently buried in the shinigami's chest. "He's a pervert."

"But he's a lion!" The girl protested, hugging Kon even closer, much to the mod soul's delight. "I love cats! They're so cute and... they have tails and whiskers and fur..."

"I know what a cat is. That's not a cat. That's a pain in the ass."

Chiyuu looked at him, the vaguest twinkle of amusement lingering in her brown eyes. "Ichigo-san, I said you're bonding with Kon-san, not insulting him. _As _true as it may be," she added pointedly, seeing him open his mouth to refute that statement.

"Ichigo's always so _mean _to me, Chiyuu-neechan," Kon whined, snuggling against her breasts with a happy whimper. She didn't have the heavenly bust of Orihime, but at least there was SOMETHING there that he could squish. "It's going to take a lot of comforting to be able to forgive and forget all he's done to me!"

"Kon-san..." The smile on her face didn't waver, as she continued, "While I love cats and plushies, if you continue to try devouring my chest, I'm afraid I will have to inform Hitsu-chan that you were eyeing Hina-chan in a most lecherous manner, and then you might find your head separated from your body, and that would be most unpleasant, would it not? Furthermore, all comforting must be given to you by the patient, as HE is the one doing the bonding. I'm just the supervisor. So..." She thrust the mod soul into Ichigo's arms. "There you go. Snuggle and comfort away."

"..." said the two males, both deeply unhappy for two very different reasons.

"We'll start off simple," the therapist began, deliberately disregarding the glares they were giving each other. "Ichigo-san, I want you to hug Kon-san and tell him what you appreciate about him."

"I'd APPRECIATE it if he DIDN'T read porn while he was in MY--OW!" Ichigo winced, rubbing his head at the spot where Chiyuu had just whapped him with her clipboard.

She shook her head with a small sigh. "I didn't ask you what you'd appreciate, I asked what you APPRECIATED. Try again. And HUG him. Holding him at arms' length hardly constitutes an embrace."

Ichigo echoed her sigh (with a bit of long-suffering pain added in the tone), and practically flattened the plushie against his chest. Ignoring the traumatized wail of "FLAT!", he tried again.

"I, uh... appreciate that he's got powerful legs... uh... he's... determined... dammit, this is hard!"

"Keep going," Chiyuu said calmly.

The boy rolled his eyes. "He keeps Yuzu happy, even if he hates the clothes she puts him in... he didn't make a sound when Karin used him as a replacement soccer ball..." Afterwards, however, had been a different story altogether. "And... it's cool, I guess, how he values life so much, even if it's something like an ant. Plus, he's helped protect my family a lot of times. He knows how important they are to me. And he doesn't keep secrets from me, either."

Chiyuu studied the lion after that last remark, having thought she had seen him flinch. Secrets, hm? So Kon knew something that Ichigo didn't... she decided not to comment upon that, hopping off the bed and wandering over to the teen. Kon was looking a little bit dingy, and that gave her an idea.

Clearly, Ichigo disagreed with it, especially when it involved hot water, a screeching plushie, and lavender-scented bubbles.

"Nothing says bonding like bubble baths!" Chiyuu assured him with wide eyes, kneeling beside him while he viciously scrubbed at the soggy lump of cotton. "And it gets him clean, too!"

"He can take his own damned baths from now on!" He retorted, dunking Kon underwater. "Stop squirming, the soap's not all out yet."

"I think that'd look a little odd, if someone else walked in on a stuffed animal doing laps around your bathtub."

"He'd sink first. He'd get too waterlogged to stay afloat." Ichigo hauled him out, giving him a brief shake.

"What's your deal, trying to drown me? You heartless monster! You damnable fiend! You orange-haired bastard! CURSE YOUUUU, ICHI--" _SPLASH_. _Blurble._

"Ichigo-san..."

"Nope. Still dirty."

_---Day Three of Seven---_

_"This is an important step for all shinigami, not just you," Chiyuu had told him. "If you don't have a good, solid bond with your blade, it'll come back to haunt you in the end. Kenpachi-kun, for instance, is still trying to learn his zanpakutou's name. He never gave it any respect, nor did he ever try to discover its name, and I believe that was a major disadvantage for him when he fought you. You've learned your blade's name, but you can always go further in bonding with it."_

_"...I am NOT giving Zangetsu a bubble bath."_

_That made the therapist laugh, one hand covering her mouth until she could trust herself to speak again. "He would rust, and I don't think he'd like that very much. As said before with Kon-san, we can start off simple."_

Ichigo had never wished so heartily for a Hollow to stay away like he did then, but it was inevitable. A Hollow appeared, he, Rukia, Orihime, Renji and Yumichika went to face it, and it was demolished within a short amount of time.

Orihime's three fairies returned to their hairpins, Rukia sheathed Sodeno Shirayuki, slid back into her gigai-- and Ichigo, grimacing, gave Zangetsu a pat and muttered, "Good job, Zangetsu! I'm very proud of you! Let's continue to fight side-by-side!" And then he hugged the blade (carefully).

"Um. Ichigo..." Rukia, remarkably, was at a loss for words. "Did you just... embrace your... are you feeling all right?"

"I can heal him!" Orihime volunteered, hands flying to her hairpins, but Ichigo shook his head.

"I'm fine! It's just part of my... my..."

"Therapy," Renji and Yumichika said in unison, nodding to each other knowingly.

"It'd have to be, if you're standin' here hugging your blade like that," Renji added, snickering. "And TALKIN' to it all sweet-like!"

Rukia elbowed him sharply. "Shut up, Renji. I know for a fact that you hold conversations with Zabimaru all the time." She deepened her voice. "'Hello, Zabimaru! Did you have a nice sleep? I made sure you got the pillow this time and I didn't hog the blanket!'"

"_Rukiaaaaa_," her friend growled warningly.

"'Look, Zabimaru, I got tattoos so I could look JUST LIKE YOU! You're my heroooo! I wish _I_ had a snake for an--'"

"At least _I _don't play ribbon dancer with my zanpakutou!"

"I DO NOT PLAY RIBBON DANCER WITH SHIRAYUKI! _You're_ the one with the giant snake whip!"

"Hmm... bonding with your blade? That's not a bad idea," Yumichika pondered, rubbing his cheek against his sheathed sword. "You're so beautiful, Fujikujaku! Just as beautiful as your wielder! Isn't that right, you precious, lovable little beauty? Who's my pretty little sword? Who's preeetty? Fujikujaku iiiis!"

"Yumichika..."

"He's still going through therapy," Renji muttered confidentially to Ichigo, who could only nod.

_---Day Four of Seven---_

He stood sideways on a skyscraper, meeting the solemn gaze of his zanpakutou, the latter's eyes obscured by dark glasses.

"Ichigo," Zangetsu finally spoke, his hollow voice ringing throughout the world he occupied.

"What is it, Old Ma--er, Zangetsu?" Ichigo buried his hands in his pockets, peering at the wild-haired man. "Why did you call me here?"

Silence answered him. The boy shifted, fidgeting slightly as he waited for a reply, and struggling not to break that unwavering stare that Zangetsu had a penchant for doing so often.

"I heard your words."

"ALL--" Ichigo swallowed. "All of them?"

"I will fight by your side... but sleeping alongside you, shinigami form or not, is not fighting."

Silence on his part this time.

"You salivated on my bandages."

He was going to _slaughter_ Renji for even planting that idea in his head, and Chiyuu for blatantly encouraging it.

_---Day Five of Seven---_

"You _dyed_ my hair."

"It'll come out," Chiyuu promised, ruffling the ivory spikes that once been a vibrant orange. "This is as close as I can get to recreating your Hollow self, anyway."

Well, that explained all of her questions the day before. She'd asked him when he had first conversed with the Hollow, and he had grudgingly told her he had seen it in the world where Zangetsu lived. Chiyuu had continued to inquire about the looks, the similarities, the differences, and how it had acted. Then she had said no more, only murmured something about checking back with Soul Society and left. And now she was back, having taken advantage of his absence (he'd been fighting another Hollow) to dye his body's hair. Brat.

Kon didn't seem too bothered with this information that Ichigo had a Hollow inside of him, stretching his (Ichigo's) arms and grinning. "It suits you much better than orange!"

"I LOOK LIKE A FRICKIN' DANDELION!"

Chiyuu gave him a brief, apologetic smile. "Like I said, I did what I could. Now listen carefully, Ichigo-san, because I want no complaints on this one. You're still in shinigami form, and Kon-san is in your body. He'll be acting as your Hollow self. I want you to confront him. It may not be the real thing, but it'll prepare you for the day when you actually have to confront him. From what I hear, he's been growing stronger, and suppressing him is only going to grow more and more difficult."

Ichigo could find no argument with that. The sardonic voice kept echoing in the depths of his mind, laughing and whispering beguilingly to let it take over whenever he fought. The idea was simple enough, but would it WORK? It wasn't really his Hollow self...

"It's like fighting yourself, either way," the therapist spoke, almost as if she had picked up on his thoughts. "That Hollow is a part of you now that you'll have to face, so fighting your own body's a good start."

"Wait a minute!" Kon protested, beginning to have doubts about this whole thing. "Fighting? He's not actually going to HURT me, is he?"

She shrugged. "If he has to, he has every right to. But remember that I'm a healer first and foremost. If the body is damaged, I can heal it. Ichigo-san, are you ready? I realize this may be a little hard at first, but we have to start somewhere." Rising on her tiptoes, she tugged on Kon's sleeve, getting him to lean down so she could whisper something in his ear.

With a grimace, the mod soul straightened and faced Ichigo. "You're such a wimp, Ichigo," he sneered, contorting his face into something sinister, lips stretched wide into a mocking smile. "You should just let me take over, before you make an even bigger fool out of yourself!"

So startlingly accurate were the words and that LEER that Ichigo froze for a moment. Then his eyes narrowed and he let out an animalistic yell, throwing his fist at Kon's face.

_It's sort of like Hina-chan and the Aizen dummy all over again_, Chiyuu couldn't help but think. _But if Kon-san keeps this up, then Ichigo-san will..._

"You're NOTHING without me!" Kon continued to yell."... even if you hit really hard! You're WEAK!"

"SHUT UP!"

_Ichigo-san will..._

Ichigo stopped then, a strange ripple crossing his face and making him almost unrecognizable for a fleeting second. "Go... away..." He whispered hoarsely—not to Kon, but almost as if he were speaking to himself. "Go _away_..."

_He will be drawn into the real confrontation..._

Sure enough, the teen's eyes glazed over and he swayed, starting a slow forward fall towards the carpet. Chiyuu moved forward rapidly, letting out a small "Erk!" as the weight of his larger body almost made her topple over. She braced herself, grabbing his shoulders and keeping herself rooted to the spot, letting him sag against her.

"It's this part... about being a therapist... that I _really_ hate," she murmured tiredly, just thankful that his family was out for the day and wouldn't be back for another hour or two; she didn't know how well they could see shinigami, and this would look strange either way, especially since she was in a gigai and either holding up Ichigo (if one could see him) or air (if one couldn't).

It took some help from Kon to move Ichigo to the bed, and he looked questioningly at the therapist once that had been accomplished.

"Chiyuu-neechan... what happened? Was that part of your plan?"

"It was a possibility," she replied, glancing down at Ichigo and frowning as he occasionally twitched and groaned. "I thought all of this would awaken that Hollow but, in the end, it was the Hollow's choice to make itself known that brought us to where we are now. If that happened, I wanted to prepare Ichigo-san for that. I can't help him right now."

"So he's fighting it on his own?"

Chiyuu looked vaguely surprised at that. "On his own? No... he's never alone there. He's gone to the place where no shinigami is ever alone. He's got his zanpakutou with him." Still, that weariness from before remained evident in her tone... until she blinked and glanced up at Kon. "I have faith that he'll do just fine, but we should probably heal you and wash that dye out before his father gets home and wonders what could have happened in a day to age his son so fast."

She looked down at Ichigo once more, closing her eyes briefly and bowing her head. "Hang in there, Ichigo-san. There's more than one step on a path, and you've still got a long way to go before you reach the end."

_---Day Seven of Seven---_

"He"s not gone entirely, you know," Ichigo said quietly. "Even with Zangetsu protecting me, he's still there. He's just quieter."

"It takes a lot to make a Hollow go away," Chiyuu pointed out, having returned after a day to speak with Ichigo again. "And I'm sorry that I made you go through it. But you know, Ichigo-san, the more you confront that thing and let it know that you're not giving up, the better your chances are at winning. Just ignoring it won't help. Letting it take you over is not an option. Therefore, you have to face it and keep facing it until you completely overpower it. Remember that you've been you a lot longer than that Hollow has, and you're not going to give into it now."

He studied the petite girl pressed against the fence on top of the roof, managing a grin. "You're a strange one. One minute you sound like a little kid, and then you're spouting off advice like some wise old sage."

"Such is the life of a shinigami. Or a fortune cookie, whichever you prefer." Chiyuu laughed, back to her normally exuberant self again. "I'll just tell you that I'm older than Hitsu-chan and Yachiru-chan and younger than Shuuhei-kun and Byakuya-san and leave it at that. But..." She turned away from the fence, smiling at Ichigo. "You'll be pleased to know that your therapy is over, Ichigo-san! You bonded with your family, you appreciated Kon a little bit more, you and Zangetsu have grown closer, and that Hollow inside of you knows now that you're serious business! Plus, I think you've learned that you CAN subdue that thing, with enough determination. Now, I just have one thing to ask you..."

"Eh? What's that?"

She winked at him, lowering her voice. "Do you perhaps think that you had more of a reason to save Rukia-chan than just the feeling of owing her?"

"W-what?"

"Oh, wait, I forgot... you haven't really discovered hormones yet. It's a shame; I think she likes you."

"_WHAT_?"

"Rukia-chaaaan!" The shinigami chirped, bouncing over to the door that led off the roof and flinging it open. "Can you show me how to drink from that juice package? I think I stabbed the wrong end!"

"Get BACK here, you brat! You can't just leave it like that!"

"Mouuu, Ichigo-san's getting confusing again!"

"THAT'S **MY** LINE!"

"Yell at me later, I'm off to go be haphazard!"

"YOU'RE HAPHAZARD ENOUGH AS IT IS!"

Ishida Uryuu knew something wasn't right. Alas, he had no idea that he was to be the next fated victim of therapy torture.

Damn shinigami.

**---OOC---**

Uwaaaaah, I had no idea it would turn out this long! This was one of the more serious chapters, since it dealt with Ichigo and his Hollow self (I'd originally planned to write that in, but then this thing would've been 16 pages instead of 12, and that's just crazy), but I tried my best to insert some therapist-style crack in there as well. So basically, I had fun with this chapter, even if it took me so long to complete, and I still think I could have written more. Feel free to roll your eyes at me if you must. Anyway, up next are Ishida Uryuu and Inoue Orihime! Don't even ask when that's coming out, because I really don't know. x.x

Thank you and reviews are always welcome, no matter how strange they may be!


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